Jyn didn't require a response, although some part of her did want to extend an apology for taking so much when she had only ever meant to help. But she swallowed the words and concentrated instead on returning the gentle gestures he was sharing with her - fingertips trailing softly from shoulder down the length of his arm, her eyes closing as she felt warm, even breaths taken against her neck.
It was just one night. Maybe it wasn't terrible to be selfish for one night, to borrow a little comfort to see her through.
He wanted badly to kiss her. The curve of her neck where it flowed into her shoulder, the hinge of her jaw, her mouth. He momentarily considered asking her if he could. He pushed it aside. He would accept 'no' for an answer, but the very act of asking could change the tone of the night. Ruin the relaxation, the sense of safety, of sanctuary. Make it seem like he was less glad than he truly was just of this, as an end in itself. And he'd been too many peoples' one-night stands to risk turning that on her—was amazed at himself for even considering it, having thought he'd had any chance of enjoying such a thing long drained out of him.
She just fit so amazingly in his arms. They fit together like they'd been holding each other for years.
Risking the sensuousness of it, he moved his hand along her back, her waist, savoring the sweeping curves of her, the way they fit against him, how they felt in his palm. And breathed her in, scent marked from various outside influences, and the underlying essence that was just her. Filled his senses with her and felt… suffused… and peaceful.
What would he think to know that Jyn wanted the same thing? That it was taking every bit of restraint that she had to keep from asking him to? After everything, the last thing that she wanted was to take advantage - and even if Rilio were to say no - which she would accept, no questions asked - she would still feel an incredible amount of guilt to have even asked at all.
This was supposed to be a safe space, where he could rest and recuperate without fearing another incidence of being accosted and abused. This was more than enough for Jyn, as inherently lonely and alone as she was.
Instead, she would memorize the feel of being held so sweetly, and recall it on the nights that she felt particularly sad. She breathed out softly as he explored her and wished - not for the first time - that they had met under more favorable circumstances.
"I'm almost afraid to fall asleep again", she murmured, almost afraid to disturb the quiet of the moment.
Guilt had definitely not been Jyn's intention. For a moment, she wondered if she should have just kept the sentiment - her feelings - to herself. But he asked, and she wasn't going to shy away from an answer.
He didn't have to offer her the consideration - but here he was, offering it anyway. And the arm she had slung around his middle loosened somewhat, as good a clue as any that she trusted the promise.
It felt ridiculous to thank him, but she wanted to, nonetheless. "I'll be right here."
Still, though, Jyn made no move to pull away, as content as she could be in the moment to stay exactly where she was. Selfish, maybe, but she hoped that he felt something similar.
She breathed out a quietly amused little noise. "Good. You need to rest."
He wouldn't have been wrong. Jyn couldn't remember the last time she had gotten what could be called even close to a good night's sleep.
But she was comfortable now, and she knew very well the value of taking opportunities as they came, including finding rest. She could hardly predict when she would find the opportunity again.
It felt as though her heart skipped a beat entirely to hear that and to know that in this, at least, they felt the same. "Yeah", she answered, just as quietly. "Me, too."
He felt a stab of how dangerous this was. Not because he thought she was going to betray him. Not because of the looming pain of it ending. But because of what he was suddenly tempted to do so it wouldn't end; so this wouldn't be the only time. Tell her his real identity, his real story; see if she wanted to join him in it; give his up (for any amount of time) to join hers; any number of scenarios that involved giving away sensitive information and deprioritizing the Cause.
This was why he never had things like this. He would always choose service. Better and easier to never have anything to choose it over.
Too late for that, now. He felt it in his arms around her and chest against her and cheek upon her. He couldn't give this up until he had to. He'd fight himself off from trying to keep it, at least until morning, when he just had to take on faith he'd be able to walk away.
But ruling out talking and sleeping, both, and expending energy to do so, while still wanting connection, made it harder to resist trying a physical option…
Carefully, slowly, he brushed another kiss to the top of her head, amid her hair.
Jyn burned with the desire to ask Rilio to ask her again - ask her about his people and meeting them and maybe making a place for her to belong. She didn't think that she would be able to say no if he asked again.
She didn't know if - when the morning came - she would be able to walk away as though she hadn't been fundamentally changed by the experience. And that was a terrifying prospect. Caring about people only led to heartbreak in the end. And she didn't know if she could withstand yet another one.
But she swallowed the urge back, and tried to content herself with the gentle trailing of her fingers along the length of an arm, hoping that somehow, she would be able to call this memory up to replay when she needed reminding that there was still good in the universe, that for one bright, shining moment, she had found it for herself.
She breathed out an unsteady little breath as she felt the gentle press of a kiss, and after a moment, found a way to nuzzle just a little closer still.
His hands gently pressed her again; one on her waist, the other the back of her head; not confining or guiding her, but holding close to himself; and he made himself breathe deeply, deep enough to move them both.
And stopped being a coward.
"Hypothetically," he said quietly. "If I asked if I could kiss you. Would you believe that I'd take 'no' for an answer? That it would be all right, and we could go back to this—not lose it? 'Cause however tempted I am, I don't want to risk this."
There was no tension in Jyn's body as she allowed him to gather her all the closer still - even though she had almost been certain that wasn't possible. She moved with the breath that he took, fingers gripping his shirt a little more tightly.
"Hypothetically - ", she began, after a long moment of her heart stuttering in her chest, "I would believe you. I like this ... "
She inhaled softly, and exhaled a shaky little sigh.
"I'm comfortable, and I feel so ... safe. I don't want to risk it, either. But, I think ... I'd like for you to ask me."
He closed his eyes at the feel of her breath and heart, holding it all so close so it would be there, in some form, forever. And, after the briefest moment, and a quick squeeze of a hug, he said softly, "May I kiss you?"
If Jyn could choose one moment to keep in her memory indefinitely, it would be this one - comfortable, hopeful, full of promise. She had never been asked for a kiss before; they had usually just sort of ... happened.
She tipped her chin up slightly, her lips pulling up into a small, small smile. "Please."
That smile made him nearly laugh or weep. He gave a matching, small one back. Before his hand again found her face, fingertips gently tracing the line of her cheek and jaw. Then he was cupping her face and lowering his. Until his lips found hers.
She felt nervous, excited, but most of all, she wanted the experience of sharing a kiss. She held no other expectations otherwise. Still, she wasn't expecting the soft touch of fingertips to skin, but it pulled a sigh from her lips, anyway, muffled in the instant that their mouths met.
Beautiful—her sigh, her mouth, the way she moved into it exactly as he did…
He kept himself slow, breathing steady, mouth closed, relatively chaste. But Force… she felt so good. The way they moved together, responded to one another, kiss not becoming frantic but deep. It felt… exploratory, and… appreciative and… they could go further, or go back, or keep doing exactly what they were doing. And he was so glad of any one of them.
The kiss didn't feel strained or forced or even the least bit awkward at all. Jyn was surprised at how easily it all fell into place, how it didn't take much part on her part to return it -
And to keep it going after the initial contact. It wasn't desperate, neither attempted to take more than was being offered. It felt meaningful in a way that she couldn't quite pinpoint.
If they took it further, or went back, or continued with just this, she would welcome any or all.
Feeling her in it with him, the mutuality, his body relaxed again. He hadn't realized it had tensed at all. But he'd held back, and now settled himself again, pressed close against her.
His hand flowed back from her cheek to her neck, fingertips reaching up to sift in her dark hair.
As the kiss went on—transforming—dancing, as it lengthened—he took at least moment, when they parted by millimetres to breathe, to wait and see if she'd be the one to take it back up.
If Jyn had her way, this moment in time would never have to come to an end. They could just exist in it - safe and warm and together, lost in each other and how bittersweet it felt to give of themselves freely, without any ulterior motives guiding their actions.
She sighed and shivered as his touch drifted from cheek to neck, his fingers tangling gently in her hair. Blindly, she reached up to brush her thumb along one cheekbone, the touch soft and gentle in a way that she was surprised to learn she was still capable of offering.
The need to breathe was soon too pressing to ignore, but Jyn had barely made an attempt to catch hers before bridging what little gap there was between them in order to steal another, small but not tentative, little more than a peck at first, not wishing to overwhelm - not only Rilio, but herself, too.
"You're so lovely", she murmured, her voice hoarse, low, as if she was afraid to disturb the moment too much.
He'd been told—called—a lot of things—in bed or otherwise. He'd never felt so caught before. He didn't know how to respond, but his face did it for him: a smile that also communicated how she'd made him, who thought he'd lost the ability, actually blush.
"So are you," he whispered back, meaning it so much it hurt.
Jyn hadn't even though it through - the words had just left her lips in a moment of the most freedom she had let herself feel in years. But his reaction, his surprised smile, the faint color in his cheeks stole what little breath she had recovered fully away.
She wanted to argue the point, wanted to argue that she was anything but lovely - she was hard and sharp and dangerous, but with difficulty, she swallowed the hards and tentatively leaned in, searching out the solace and comfort and understanding she had found in the kisses they had already shared.
He could make the same arguments. Both ways. Where would that leave them…?
Right now, couldn't care less.
He met her exactly: renewing the kiss, and this time letting it intensify in fervor; lips parting, hand cupping the back of her head, body pressing—still gently, nothing she couldn't stop the second she wanted to—inward, tilting her back, curving them together.
They could - but then their mouths would be engaged in an activity that was not nearly as satisfying as kissing.
And Jyn was finding that she really liked kissing Rilio, being kissed by him in return.
He met her halfway, and Jyn sighed into the kiss, the sounds muffled as this time, there was little tentativeness to be found as they enjoyed each other, moving against each other until they were shifted and settled into a more thorough comfort. One arm slung low around his middle, the other she let map out its own path, up the length of his arm, only lingering momentarily at the back of his neck before allowing her fingers to card through his dark hair, newly washed and oh-so-soft.
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It was just one night. Maybe it wasn't terrible to be selfish for one night, to borrow a little comfort to see her through.
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She just fit so amazingly in his arms. They fit together like they'd been holding each other for years.
Risking the sensuousness of it, he moved his hand along her back, her waist, savoring the sweeping curves of her, the way they fit against him, how they felt in his palm. And breathed her in, scent marked from various outside influences, and the underlying essence that was just her. Filled his senses with her and felt… suffused… and peaceful.
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This was supposed to be a safe space, where he could rest and recuperate without fearing another incidence of being accosted and abused. This was more than enough for Jyn, as inherently lonely and alone as she was.
Instead, she would memorize the feel of being held so sweetly, and recall it on the nights that she felt particularly sad. She breathed out softly as he explored her and wished - not for the first time - that they had met under more favorable circumstances.
"I'm almost afraid to fall asleep again", she murmured, almost afraid to disturb the quiet of the moment.
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When in doubt, don't assume; ask. "Why?"
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"I don't want to wake up alone."
Again.
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Another thing he understood perfectly.
So he hugged her tighter—so much for that resolution—then craned back his head, again, to look her in the eyes.
"I promise not to leave while you're asleep," he said. "I'm not going anywhere without talking to you.
"…If I even wake up first. Which I wouldn't put money on."
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It felt ridiculous to thank him, but she wanted to, nonetheless. "I'll be right here."
Still, though, Jyn made no move to pull away, as content as she could be in the moment to stay exactly where she was. Selfish, maybe, but she hoped that he felt something similar.
She breathed out a quietly amused little noise. "Good. You need to rest."
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It was too presumptuous to say. So he just poured it into his arms around her.
What he did murmur aloud: "I don't want to sleep right away, again, either. I want to stay aware of… this. A bit longer."
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But she was comfortable now, and she knew very well the value of taking opportunities as they came, including finding rest. She could hardly predict when she would find the opportunity again.
It felt as though her heart skipped a beat entirely to hear that and to know that in this, at least, they felt the same. "Yeah", she answered, just as quietly. "Me, too."
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This was why he never had things like this. He would always choose service. Better and easier to never have anything to choose it over.
Too late for that, now. He felt it in his arms around her and chest against her and cheek upon her. He couldn't give this up until he had to. He'd fight himself off from trying to keep it, at least until morning, when he just had to take on faith he'd be able to walk away.
But ruling out talking and sleeping, both, and expending energy to do so, while still wanting connection, made it harder to resist trying a physical option…
Carefully, slowly, he brushed another kiss to the top of her head, amid her hair.
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She didn't know if - when the morning came - she would be able to walk away as though she hadn't been fundamentally changed by the experience. And that was a terrifying prospect. Caring about people only led to heartbreak in the end. And she didn't know if she could withstand yet another one.
But she swallowed the urge back, and tried to content herself with the gentle trailing of her fingers along the length of an arm, hoping that somehow, she would be able to call this memory up to replay when she needed reminding that there was still good in the universe, that for one bright, shining moment, she had found it for herself.
She breathed out an unsteady little breath as she felt the gentle press of a kiss, and after a moment, found a way to nuzzle just a little closer still.
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And stopped being a coward.
"Hypothetically," he said quietly. "If I asked if I could kiss you. Would you believe that I'd take 'no' for an answer? That it would be all right, and we could go back to this—not lose it? 'Cause however tempted I am, I don't want to risk this."
oh nooooo my icons
"Hypothetically - ", she began, after a long moment of her heart stuttering in her chest, "I would believe you. I like this ... "
She inhaled softly, and exhaled a shaky little sigh.
"I'm comfortable, and I feel so ... safe. I don't want to risk it, either. But, I think ... I'd like for you to ask me."
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She tipped her chin up slightly, her lips pulling up into a small, small smile. "Please."
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He kept himself slow, breathing steady, mouth closed, relatively chaste. But Force… she felt so good. The way they moved together, responded to one another, kiss not becoming frantic but deep. It felt… exploratory, and… appreciative and… they could go further, or go back, or keep doing exactly what they were doing. And he was so glad of any one of them.
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And to keep it going after the initial contact. It wasn't desperate, neither attempted to take more than was being offered. It felt meaningful in a way that she couldn't quite pinpoint.
If they took it further, or went back, or continued with just this, she would welcome any or all.
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His hand flowed back from her cheek to her neck, fingertips reaching up to sift in her dark hair.
As the kiss went on—transforming—dancing, as it lengthened—he took at least moment, when they parted by millimetres to breathe, to wait and see if she'd be the one to take it back up.
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She sighed and shivered as his touch drifted from cheek to neck, his fingers tangling gently in her hair. Blindly, she reached up to brush her thumb along one cheekbone, the touch soft and gentle in a way that she was surprised to learn she was still capable of offering.
The need to breathe was soon too pressing to ignore, but Jyn had barely made an attempt to catch hers before bridging what little gap there was between them in order to steal another, small but not tentative, little more than a peck at first, not wishing to overwhelm - not only Rilio, but herself, too.
"You're so lovely", she murmured, her voice hoarse, low, as if she was afraid to disturb the moment too much.
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"So are you," he whispered back, meaning it so much it hurt.
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She wanted to argue the point, wanted to argue that she was anything but lovely - she was hard and sharp and dangerous, but with difficulty, she swallowed the hards and tentatively leaned in, searching out the solace and comfort and understanding she had found in the kisses they had already shared.
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Right now, couldn't care less.
He met her exactly: renewing the kiss, and this time letting it intensify in fervor; lips parting, hand cupping the back of her head, body pressing—still gently, nothing she couldn't stop the second she wanted to—inward, tilting her back, curving them together.
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And Jyn was finding that she really liked kissing Rilio, being kissed by him in return.
He met her halfway, and Jyn sighed into the kiss, the sounds muffled as this time, there was little tentativeness to be found as they enjoyed each other, moving against each other until they were shifted and settled into a more thorough comfort. One arm slung low around his middle, the other she let map out its own path, up the length of his arm, only lingering momentarily at the back of his neck before allowing her fingers to card through his dark hair, newly washed and oh-so-soft.
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A ZILLION YEARS LATER…
right here waiting.mp3
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How did I lose this?? Ack! Sorry!! But I did just massively enjoy rereading all of it ^_^ ^_^ <3