"Right now." The repetition was agreement, maybe a promise.
He mirrored her movement, moving his hand likewise to her face, gently tracing its shape, brushing back some wisps of hair. His eyes on her were admiring, drinking her in… but maybe now a touch wistful, too.
He didn't know if this was the sort of thing you could just say. It was harder, in a way, not having an agenda; no ulterior motive. He didn't know the right (or at least, necessary) path to take. He definitely didn't intend to work toward anything. But at the same time… what if they missed a chance, to make 'right now' the most it could…?
…Well. They'd just tried some uniquely specific honesty. Try a little more.
"I'm supposed to be good at reading… people. Situations. …It's a lot harder when I…" A self-deprecating breathed laugh. "Have strong opinions. Feelings." Wants. "Makes me question my interpretations."
Jyn had wondered for a time whether or not she even retained the capability to not only be tender but to feel human, but in the moment, warm and content, being caressed so gently and looked at with such fondness (as though she was something worthy of such treatment, as if she was delicate and fragile and required being handled so gingerly), her heart started to beat back into life, one painful thump at a time.
She observed Rilio - a pseudonym, she now knew - in much the same way, with much the same regret coloring her thoughts, her own exploration of the lines and planes of his face an attempt to memorize him, memorize how she felt right now. Fingertips traced along the slope of his nose, a whisper of a touch as she mapped the line of his lips.
Jyn still had the capability - but would it be worth the hurt she knew she would face upon their inevitable parting? Right now was a little difficult to concentrate on when she couldn't quite persuade what was yet to occur from causing her worry.
An eyebrow slowly made an arch upward, and her fingers stilled, the only sound in the room their breathing as she considered just what it was that she could offer. Strong opinions. Feelings. What did that mean? About her? Them? Not that there could even be a them, not when it was dangerous to even consider ...
"So ... why don't you tell me your interpretations and I'll tell you if you're right?"
"That… it might actually be both of us, not just me… to… ask if… …we want to do more in this night.
"And it's okay if not. This is already so much. This is very much enough. It's more than… Not sure if suggesting more is actually wanted or an unnecessary risk to this.
"And I'm not sure which would be harder… going even further before going separate, or not, then wondering if…
"You know."
Ugh. One thing to be said for a cover story: When he was in character, he was better at talking.
Jyn was silent as she listened - and observed Rilio for any signs of discomfort. She didn't find any more than she did uncertainty, but that was a feeling that she too shared.
She had said as much out loud - she didn't do this, didn't allow people to get close, didn't allow herself to need anyone for anything. And here she was, battered heart aching for more.
"I know - ", she finally replied, and she thought she did understand. Jyn didn't want to sound petulant or disrespectful, or worst of all, like she expected anything from him.
This was enough. It was more than enough! But would going further avoid the very particular pain of what ifs or would it only exacerbate it?
"I want ... to do as much as you want to. Maybe it's selfish and stupid of me, but I want you to remember. And maybe someday, you'll ask or hear about Liana Hallik and you'll find me again."
(Did they really have to lose each other, first…?)
That, possibly—objectively—might be an even more drastic, dangerous, impassible line to cross. Recruitment can't be based on sentiment. It's about giving someone more tools, more choices. Not trying to… keep them.
Liana… would not have been a promising prospect for recruitment. She was self-sufficient—impressively so—and self-contained. And he didn't have a sense she was looking for a way out of her present circumstance (not provided by anyone else, at least), nor looking for a 'cause' to serve.
He could be wrong. His profiling abilities were good, but everyone could always be wrong…?
He couldn't begin to say that. He knew, in his bones, it wasn't the right way for her. For them. For now. No matter how much he… wanted.
Maybe he'd change his mind by morning. Maybe he'd change his mind in an hour. But for this moment… he had to set that fantasy aside.
So he wove his fingers gently into her hair, cupped the back of her head, and closed his eyes to crane forward and press his lips lightly to her temple.
"I'm going to remember you. You don't have to do anything else for me to remember you.
If only it was as easy as asking for him to stay. Stay where? It wasn't as though Jelucan was here home - for all intents and purposes, Jyn Erso was a homeless wanderer. It wouldn't be fair to ask Rilio to leave everything he knew for a life as hard as the one she lived.
And to say I want to go with you ...
That was really rather presumptuous, wasn't it? They had barely known each other for a small handful of hours. They didn't even know each other's real names. So why - and how - had she gotten so attached so quickly and so easily?
And why did the thought of parting leave her feeling empty and cold? Jyn didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with the wreckage of her heart all over again, although she knew that it was probably inevitable.
Jyn sighed softly, let herself relax a little, curled her fingers into his shirt as if to anchor the both of them to the moment, to keep them from drifting into worries and fears of what was to come.
"You're going to be hard to forget. But then - I don't want to forget. I want to remember every single moment of this."
A breath. A heartbeat. Hard to tell whose… they'd fallen in sync…
Kiss me.
Not frantic, not racing, but at once—without hesitation:
He splayed his fingers beneath her hair, cupping her head and her neck; his thumb drifting inward to trace her jaw. His eyes drank of the stardust in hers, up until the moment their faces were too close to see. Then his eyes closed and he pressed gently in and found her lips with his.
Mother of skies… she felt, tasted, was, wonderful.
Jyn's sigh was soft as he took his time in not only supporting and steadying her but gathering her a little closer. She was gentle but not tentative as she mirrored the motion of the touch to her jaw, just as studious as she took in the warmth radiating from his dark eyes, and then -
Then, they were kissing again, and whatever noise she made was muffled as she settled into it, welcomed him into her personal space until there was nothing left.
'Whatever noise she made' was beautiful and felt like a touch. He wondered if he could draw out more.
Kissing again felt just as stunningly new yet ageless—eternal—as before. As electrifying as a first meeting yet as sealed together as if they'd been intimate their whole lives. More than one life.
And, again, it felt like dancing. Impossible to tell who was leading—maybe they kept switching—maybe neither of them was, they were seamlessly in accord. But it was all-consuming and stirring and ambrosial. And finally one or both of them had to breathe, parting just enough to do so… and then he dared something newer, still. He moved his lips, still careful and gentle and soft, to the tendon of her neck, just below her ear. And gently worked his way down it, to the hollow of her neck and shoulder, and around her throat, and back up; all his senses, through his whole body, fixed on her; attentive, seeking any reactions at all; whether she liked it or not, and where, and how much.
It was such a pleased little noise, and Jyn would feel some pride in knowing that however minute, it had had a positive effect - or at least motivated Rilio in coaxing out more.
It truly did feel as though they'd done this innumerable times before and while some part of Jyn wanted to explore that phenomenon, she knew, deep down, that they didn't have the time.
So Jyn tucked it away and turned all of her attention to him, to returning each and every kiss he gifted her with the same vigor, the same passion, and she couldn't describe how overwhelming it felt to know that he felt the same desire that she did, that this - all of it, was completely reciprocal.
The need to breathe became impossible to ignore, and when they pulled away, the noise she made was soft and breathless and disappointed. But it disappeared as quickly as it had came to be as he shifted course and pressed that first soft kiss against her neck. There was no hesitation as Jyn shivered in response and then turned her head just enough against the pillow to allow for unimpeded travel. Her heart thumped harder in her chest, her breathing a little labored, her fingers a little impatient as she tugged his shirt away from his shoulder.
She wanted a chance to explore him as well. And she could only be so patient.
He didn't resist—immediately matched and followed and obeyed her every move, every signal, every guidance. But even as he helped her shrug loose his shirt (while still kissing her neck and the side of her face), some dim, distant part of his mind (that still remembered anything in the universe beyond her) made him tense, just slightly. Because that was the shoulder covered in shrapnel scars.
And down the rest of him—
Shrapnel: shoulder, upper back Blasterburn: mid-back Blades: forearm, ribs, clavicle Surgical: stomach, chest And the worst scar he had: broad, raised and mottled from deep tissue damage, extremely jagged, running down the side of his torso down along his hip. And stretched. Because it had happened before he was finished growing.
Will you be safe?
He had a feeling she'd understand. But still was… worried? …that it might… change things. Take them out of this haven they'd raised for themselves, for tonight.
Jyn laughed - a soft sound, but tinged with a hint of desire. Distracted as she was by the continued kisses, she did her best to help with the removal of the offending garment, wanting nothing more than the pleasure of discovering his bare skin underneath her fingertips.
But she wasn't so completely unaware that she didn't notice the pause - no matter how quickly it had come and gone. Immediately, her fingers stilled and she found enough composure to take a moment, to breathe and observe him a little more critically. She'd stop if need be, no matter how much she wanted to keep going. If he was uncomfortable or unsure ...
Well. As he'd said, just being close had been enough. Kissing had been moreso. And she was fine if things didn't move on from there.
(He couldn't know - not yet, anyway, that underneath her clothing, Jyn's body was littered with scars, too, scars from close calls with blades, an even closer encounter with blasters, surgical scars where broken bones had been repaired and ruptured organs had either been fixed or removed, skin around her wrists rubbed raw by too-tight shackles that had left permanent marks behind.)
The light was dim, but she could see shadows of some of his scars, and oh ...
Oh.
She thought she understood.
Jyn settled her palm carefully against the huge scar to his side, her eyes meeting his, keeping his gaze.
He paused, too—the feedback loop: neither wanting to overstep with the other.
He was braced above her, untucked shirt hanging open, his upper body parallel to but not quite touching hers.
His eyes flickered down to her hand; the deliberate, gentle affirmation of it. He didn't tilt his face away; so his eyes could immediately return to hers.
She said, It's alright… and, just as incredibly, he believed her.
He gave a small, all-transforming smile.
He shifted himself back, taking his weight onto one arm at a time; pulling off his shirt the rest of the way without pulling out of her touch.
He set back down on his bent arms, and his palm found her cheek, his fingers gently cupping her head, running through her hair; eyes still fixed on hers, still a little searching, but also… more open, somehow. To her.
They'd already forged an unusual level of trust. This was somehow a new one. Or maybe it was last-held reservations (self-preservations) falling away. Yes. He trusted her.
In the moment, perhaps nothing more needed to be said. From his current vantage point, he could look into her eyes, gauge her expression, and hopefully see the honesty in them all.
Jyn wasn't willing to ruin the moment by rushing things along, by showing that in her impatience, she was hardly better that those that would've used him earlier in the evening if she hadn't intervened. Heart beating steadily in her ears, palm warm and gentle against his side, she waited.
And then he smiled, and it seemed like the world around them came back to life. Still, she let him take the lead, simply observed as he worked at removing his shirt, allowing her a moment to memorize every inch of him before he moved closer, fingers tender as he touched her cheek again, carded them through her hair, again holding her steady.
While she wanted to reassure - again - that she understood scars and the life that he must have been living in order to amass them, she knew the words would be inadequate. Actions, though, might speak louder.
Jyn didn't wriggle away from Rilio's touch - rather, she sat up from the pillow a bit, dropped her hand from his side to tug her shirt free from her trousers, undo fastenings until it was open, too, exposing a breastband that had clearly seen better days, new bruises blooming along her side from some of the punches she'd taken earlier in the evening ... and some of her own scars, so similar to his own.
He held himself back so she would have room. His eyes met hers again as she settled back; confirming permission. Then he looked down, skimmed his fingers gently to find her visible scars… and bent his head and body to kiss every one of them.
Jyn sighed heavily, shivered under the tender touch of his fingers, all tight muscles at the first press of lips to skin, although it didn't take many of them for her to relax into them, to let her hands dance along his arms, welcoming him closer, welcoming this next step taken.
The loosening of her muscles washed over him like warmth. His lips curved against her skin in a smile.
He braced himself softly beside her, so his upper body could touch hers without pressing down too hard. His free hand ran down her cheek, the tendon of her neck, her shoulder, her arm… paused at her wrist… then carefully traced the restraint-made callouses. There were identical ones on his wrist, too. At last, the fingers moved inward, made a circle in her palm, then spread out so he could press his full hand to hers. Just as his mouth finally returned, up her stomach and chest and neck, to her lips.
Jyn felt that smile and couldn't help but mirror the action.
Her fingers of her free hand traveled from shoulders to trace along his collarbone, barely perceptible as they drifted down the center of his chest, to his side, where again, she was careful as it mapped out that large scar, even though it had clearly healed a long time before.
She only paused when he paid attention to her wrist, her breath erratic as he moved on, waiting until he settled again and continued the path of kisses until he caught her lips once more and she dragged her short, blunted nails down his back, along the length of his spine.
His skin shivered in her wake. Her every touch further emboldened his. Then they were pressed fully again, kissing most deeply yet, and her nails down his back made him arch, body rolling, dragging a little, against hers. His arms found their between her body and the mattress. They encircled her, not too tight, not constraining, but enfolding them together.
His lower body was betraying him again. He made no move to prioritize it, make it her problem, give it any focus or urgency… but he also, this time, didn't pull away.
His every reaction felt like a dream, and Jyn found herself wanting more, wanting to slip further into the hazy desire surrounding her ... and to take him with her. He moved against her and pulled a moan from her lips, the noise vibrating against their joined mouths.
Jyn made no move to pull away as she was gathered closer yet, curling her arms loosely around Rilio as well, content (and happy to) hold him steady even when all the room around them seemed to flex and wave and leave her reeling.
Her hands continued wandering, and although she was not unaware of his physical condition, made no effort to call attention to it yet. This was enough. So much more than. And she was sure that everything would come in its due time.
Her hands felt wonderful upon him. And gave his hands permission to follow suit. They pressed flat along the slopes of her back, rises of shoulderblades, the curve of her spine; her neck, her sides, her hips; smoothing and pressing like he was moulding her from clay; and, wherever they found a new one, tracing each scar like it was a letter to be read.
He could identify many of them. Surgical. Blade. Blaster. When he found one that stumped him, he was tempted to ask about it. But… not really. Because… no violence was allowed in here. They would commit none upon each other, and memories of such already committed by or on them was too incongruous. Made unreal by what was surrounding and passing between them now. They may have been made into violent creatures, but, whatever this was, right here and now, was the opposite of violence. And it was going to stay that way. Even if, at some junction, they weren't fully in sync, no force would be required to make it stop. It was breathtaking that he trusted that.
There was one long line, muscle or scar, that his hand followed upward from the small of her back. His fingers stopped at the hem of the breastband. Wanting so badly to continue beneath it. But hesitating.
Jyn might have felt too exposed, too vulnerable if this were any other situation. But in this one, with him, she didn't. Her muscles twitched underneath his calloused fingertips, but she did not deny the mutual pleasure of exploring each other.
With that exploration came the understanding that whatever their circumstances, they had experienced similar hardships. Her heart ached for this man that she could never really know, and here in this moment at least, they didn't have to struggle to survive.
Here, they could find peace. It would not last once the morning came, but hopefully, it could be enough.
His fingers stilled, and she thought she knew what caused the hesitation. "It's alright", she murmured, thumbs brushing gentle little circles, one to shoulder, one to side. "I want you to."
Intoxicants had never done it to him. (He'd only had bad trips.) Still he knew, academically, they could cause this sort of pleasurable haze for others. For the first time, he could see the appeal.
He hoped his judgment wasn't as impaired by this high as it must be considered if from drugs. Because what he was feeling, with this, right now… The opposite of what usually happened when he lowered some of his shields and filters and inhibitions on his own mind. Usually, drugs let his mind free fall to the point of overload, because his full consciousness was required to keep it in check. This… was hazy, yes, but also… clarified. His mind was not just calmer, but quieter. More still. He wasn't overthinking more; he was second-guessing less.
So when she said I want you to…
His hand at her back slid gently beneath her breastband, guided by the lines of her muscles and scars. And loosened the article so his other hand, caressing around her ribs, moved up too… and shifted the band gently aside.
As she was exposed, he touched her, still so lightly, tracing her swells as he had her scars; appreciatively, slowly, almost reverently.
And finally lowered his head, again, to rest softly against her and kiss her breast.
Funny, the way something as simple as fingers gliding across skin could make a person feel. Jyn's skin prickled in the wake of Rilio's fingers, her heart beat a faster rhythm in her chest, her breathing felt a little more labored. It felt too much and not enough and all she wanted was more and to hold onto it for as long as she could, and oh, how she wanted to remember every single second of this because she'd never felt this way before and most likely never would again and -
She didn't feel nearly as precious as his careful touches presumed her to be, but for a moment at least, she could allow herself to believe that she was worthy of such reverence.
And she could return the unspoken sentiment as she traced equally gentle fingertips along the length of his shoulders, hoping that he felt something similar to the sensations he was inspiring in her.
Jyn sighed once she was free of the band, and he continued with his slow, tender exploration, the ache between her thighs only growing all the more insistent as he pressed a kiss to the thin, sensitive skin he'd uncovered.
He was far too good for whatever the universe held for him once they left this place.
Cassian had never had a sexual experience that hadn't been trained. Even his first, when he himself was without ulterior motive (the last time he would be)—she was. After that… it was just a tool of espionage. Nothing to do with emotion. Imagine himself away. Focus on mechanics at expense of other thoughts. His general intelligence skills in reading microexpression and body language; the raven training they'd reluctantly decided he needed, extremely focused anatomy, nerve endings and biochemicals and psychology…
For the first time in his life, he was glad of his training… and wasn't focused on it at all. Instead of the point of the mission… it just let him… do what he wanted. Which was try to read and learn what she might want. And then, if she stayed with him in it, try to give it to her.
Which was why, at whatever slightest arch of limbs and tension of muscles gave her away, his hand responded by moving down to her knee. Fingertips dipped just inward. And stopped.
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He mirrored her movement, moving his hand likewise to her face, gently tracing its shape, brushing back some wisps of hair. His eyes on her were admiring, drinking her in… but maybe now a touch wistful, too.
He didn't know if this was the sort of thing you could just say. It was harder, in a way, not having an agenda; no ulterior motive. He didn't know the right (or at least, necessary) path to take. He definitely didn't intend to work toward anything. But at the same time… what if they missed a chance, to make 'right now' the most it could…?
…Well. They'd just tried some uniquely specific honesty. Try a little more.
"I'm supposed to be good at reading… people. Situations. …It's a lot harder when I…" A self-deprecating breathed laugh. "Have strong opinions. Feelings." Wants. "Makes me question my interpretations."
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She observed Rilio - a pseudonym, she now knew - in much the same way, with much the same regret coloring her thoughts, her own exploration of the lines and planes of his face an attempt to memorize him, memorize how she felt right now. Fingertips traced along the slope of his nose, a whisper of a touch as she mapped the line of his lips.
Jyn still had the capability - but would it be worth the hurt she knew she would face upon their inevitable parting? Right now was a little difficult to concentrate on when she couldn't quite persuade what was yet to occur from causing her worry.
An eyebrow slowly made an arch upward, and her fingers stilled, the only sound in the room their breathing as she considered just what it was that she could offer. Strong opinions. Feelings. What did that mean? About her? Them? Not that there could even be a them, not when it was dangerous to even consider ...
"So ... why don't you tell me your interpretations and I'll tell you if you're right?"
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"And it's okay if not. This is already so much. This is very much enough. It's more than… Not sure if suggesting more is actually wanted or an unnecessary risk to this.
"And I'm not sure which would be harder… going even further before going separate, or not, then wondering if…
"You know."
Ugh. One thing to be said for a cover story: When he was in character, he was better at talking.
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She had said as much out loud - she didn't do this, didn't allow people to get close, didn't allow herself to need anyone for anything. And here she was, battered heart aching for more.
"I know - ", she finally replied, and she thought she did understand. Jyn didn't want to sound petulant or disrespectful, or worst of all, like she expected anything from him.
This was enough. It was more than enough! But would going further avoid the very particular pain of what ifs or would it only exacerbate it?
"I want ... to do as much as you want to. Maybe it's selfish and stupid of me, but I want you to remember. And maybe someday, you'll ask or hear about Liana Hallik and you'll find me again."
Maybe.
Maybe not.
But whatever happened, at least they'd have this.
no subject
(Did they really have to lose each other, first…?)
That, possibly—objectively—might be an even more drastic, dangerous, impassible line to cross. Recruitment can't be based on sentiment. It's about giving someone more tools, more choices. Not trying to… keep them.
Liana… would not have been a promising prospect for recruitment. She was self-sufficient—impressively so—and self-contained. And he didn't have a sense she was looking for a way out of her present circumstance (not provided by anyone else, at least), nor looking for a 'cause' to serve.
He could be wrong. His profiling abilities were good, but everyone could always be wrong…?
He couldn't begin to say that. He knew, in his bones, it wasn't the right way for her. For them. For now. No matter how much he… wanted.
Maybe he'd change his mind by morning. Maybe he'd change his mind in an hour. But for this moment… he had to set that fantasy aside.
So he wove his fingers gently into her hair, cupped the back of her head, and closed his eyes to crane forward and press his lips lightly to her temple.
"I'm going to remember you. You don't have to do anything else for me to remember you.
"But… if you want, too… then… yes, please."
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And to say I want to go with you ...
That was really rather presumptuous, wasn't it? They had barely known each other for a small handful of hours. They didn't even know each other's real names. So why - and how - had she gotten so attached so quickly and so easily?
And why did the thought of parting leave her feeling empty and cold? Jyn didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with the wreckage of her heart all over again, although she knew that it was probably inevitable.
Jyn sighed softly, let herself relax a little, curled her fingers into his shirt as if to anchor the both of them to the moment, to keep them from drifting into worries and fears of what was to come.
"You're going to be hard to forget. But then - I don't want to forget. I want to remember every single moment of this."
A breath. A heartbeat, another -
"Kiss me."
no subject
Kiss me.
Not frantic, not racing, but at once—without hesitation:
He splayed his fingers beneath her hair, cupping her head and her neck; his thumb drifting inward to trace her jaw. His eyes drank of the stardust in hers, up until the moment their faces were too close to see. Then his eyes closed and he pressed gently in and found her lips with his.
Mother of skies… she felt, tasted, was, wonderful.
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Jyn's sigh was soft as he took his time in not only supporting and steadying her but gathering her a little closer. She was gentle but not tentative as she mirrored the motion of the touch to her jaw, just as studious as she took in the warmth radiating from his dark eyes, and then -
Then, they were kissing again, and whatever noise she made was muffled as she settled into it, welcomed him into her personal space until there was nothing left.
Remember me.
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'Whatever noise she made' was beautiful and felt like a touch. He wondered if he could draw out more.
Kissing again felt just as stunningly new yet ageless—eternal—as before. As electrifying as a first meeting yet as sealed together as if they'd been intimate their whole lives. More than one life.
And, again, it felt like dancing. Impossible to tell who was leading—maybe they kept switching—maybe neither of them was, they were seamlessly in accord. But it was all-consuming and stirring and ambrosial. And finally one or both of them had to breathe, parting just enough to do so… and then he dared something newer, still. He moved his lips, still careful and gentle and soft, to the tendon of her neck, just below her ear. And gently worked his way down it, to the hollow of her neck and shoulder, and around her throat, and back up; all his senses, through his whole body, fixed on her; attentive, seeking any reactions at all; whether she liked it or not, and where, and how much.
no subject
It truly did feel as though they'd done this innumerable times before and while some part of Jyn wanted to explore that phenomenon, she knew, deep down, that they didn't have the time.
So Jyn tucked it away and turned all of her attention to him, to returning each and every kiss he gifted her with the same vigor, the same passion, and she couldn't describe how overwhelming it felt to know that he felt the same desire that she did, that this - all of it, was completely reciprocal.
The need to breathe became impossible to ignore, and when they pulled away, the noise she made was soft and breathless and disappointed. But it disappeared as quickly as it had came to be as he shifted course and pressed that first soft kiss against her neck. There was no hesitation as Jyn shivered in response and then turned her head just enough against the pillow to allow for unimpeded travel. Her heart thumped harder in her chest, her breathing a little labored, her fingers a little impatient as she tugged his shirt away from his shoulder.
She wanted a chance to explore him as well. And she could only be so patient.
no subject
And down the rest of him—
Shrapnel: shoulder, upper back
Blasterburn: mid-back
Blades: forearm, ribs, clavicle
Surgical: stomach, chest
And the worst scar he had: broad, raised and mottled from deep tissue damage, extremely jagged, running down the side of his torso down along his hip. And stretched. Because it had happened before he was finished growing.
Will you be safe?
He had a feeling she'd understand. But still was… worried? …that it might… change things. Take them out of this haven they'd raised for themselves, for tonight.
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But she wasn't so completely unaware that she didn't notice the pause - no matter how quickly it had come and gone. Immediately, her fingers stilled and she found enough composure to take a moment, to breathe and observe him a little more critically. She'd stop if need be, no matter how much she wanted to keep going. If he was uncomfortable or unsure ...
Well. As he'd said, just being close had been enough. Kissing had been moreso. And she was fine if things didn't move on from there.
(He couldn't know - not yet, anyway, that underneath her clothing, Jyn's body was littered with scars, too, scars from close calls with blades, an even closer encounter with blasters, surgical scars where broken bones had been repaired and ruptured organs had either been fixed or removed, skin around her wrists rubbed raw by too-tight shackles that had left permanent marks behind.)
The light was dim, but she could see shadows of some of his scars, and oh ...
Oh.
She thought she understood.
Jyn settled her palm carefully against the huge scar to his side, her eyes meeting his, keeping his gaze.
"It's alright."
I understand.
no subject
He was braced above her, untucked shirt hanging open, his upper body parallel to but not quite touching hers.
His eyes flickered down to her hand; the deliberate, gentle affirmation of it. He didn't tilt his face away; so his eyes could immediately return to hers.
She said, It's alright… and, just as incredibly, he believed her.
He gave a small, all-transforming smile.
He shifted himself back, taking his weight onto one arm at a time; pulling off his shirt the rest of the way without pulling out of her touch.
He set back down on his bent arms, and his palm found her cheek, his fingers gently cupping her head, running through her hair; eyes still fixed on hers, still a little searching, but also… more open, somehow. To her.
They'd already forged an unusual level of trust. This was somehow a new one. Or maybe it was last-held reservations (self-preservations) falling away. Yes. He trusted her.
no subject
Jyn wasn't willing to ruin the moment by rushing things along, by showing that in her impatience, she was hardly better that those that would've used him earlier in the evening if she hadn't intervened. Heart beating steadily in her ears, palm warm and gentle against his side, she waited.
And then he smiled, and it seemed like the world around them came back to life. Still, she let him take the lead, simply observed as he worked at removing his shirt, allowing her a moment to memorize every inch of him before he moved closer, fingers tender as he touched her cheek again, carded them through her hair, again holding her steady.
While she wanted to reassure - again - that she understood scars and the life that he must have been living in order to amass them, she knew the words would be inadequate. Actions, though, might speak louder.
Jyn didn't wriggle away from Rilio's touch - rather, she sat up from the pillow a bit, dropped her hand from his side to tug her shirt free from her trousers, undo fastenings until it was open, too, exposing a breastband that had clearly seen better days, new bruises blooming along her side from some of the punches she'd taken earlier in the evening ... and some of her own scars, so similar to his own.
See?
I understand.
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He braced himself softly beside her, so his upper body could touch hers without pressing down too hard. His free hand ran down her cheek, the tendon of her neck, her shoulder, her arm… paused at her wrist… then carefully traced the restraint-made callouses. There were identical ones on his wrist, too. At last, the fingers moved inward, made a circle in her palm, then spread out so he could press his full hand to hers. Just as his mouth finally returned, up her stomach and chest and neck, to her lips.
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Her fingers of her free hand traveled from shoulders to trace along his collarbone, barely perceptible as they drifted down the center of his chest, to his side, where again, she was careful as it mapped out that large scar, even though it had clearly healed a long time before.
She only paused when he paid attention to her wrist, her breath erratic as he moved on, waiting until he settled again and continued the path of kisses until he caught her lips once more and she dragged her short, blunted nails down his back, along the length of his spine.
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His lower body was betraying him again. He made no move to prioritize it, make it her problem, give it any focus or urgency… but he also, this time, didn't pull away.
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Jyn made no move to pull away as she was gathered closer yet, curling her arms loosely around Rilio as well, content (and happy to) hold him steady even when all the room around them seemed to flex and wave and leave her reeling.
Her hands continued wandering, and although she was not unaware of his physical condition, made no effort to call attention to it yet. This was enough. So much more than. And she was sure that everything would come in its due time.
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He could identify many of them. Surgical. Blade. Blaster. When he found one that stumped him, he was tempted to ask about it. But… not really. Because… no violence was allowed in here. They would commit none upon each other, and memories of such already committed by or on them was too incongruous. Made unreal by what was surrounding and passing between them now. They may have been made into violent creatures, but, whatever this was, right here and now, was the opposite of violence. And it was going to stay that way. Even if, at some junction, they weren't fully in sync, no force would be required to make it stop. It was breathtaking that he trusted that.
There was one long line, muscle or scar, that his hand followed upward from the small of her back. His fingers stopped at the hem of the breastband. Wanting so badly to continue beneath it. But hesitating.
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With that exploration came the understanding that whatever their circumstances, they had experienced similar hardships. Her heart ached for this man that she could never really know, and here in this moment at least, they didn't have to struggle to survive.
Here, they could find peace. It would not last once the morning came, but hopefully, it could be enough.
His fingers stilled, and she thought she knew what caused the hesitation. "It's alright", she murmured, thumbs brushing gentle little circles, one to shoulder, one to side. "I want you to."
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Intoxicants had never done it to him. (He'd only had bad trips.) Still he knew, academically, they could cause this sort of pleasurable haze for others. For the first time, he could see the appeal.
He hoped his judgment wasn't as impaired by this high as it must be considered if from drugs. Because what he was feeling, with this, right now… The opposite of what usually happened when he lowered some of his shields and filters and inhibitions on his own mind. Usually, drugs let his mind free fall to the point of overload, because his full consciousness was required to keep it in check. This… was hazy, yes, but also… clarified. His mind was not just calmer, but quieter. More still. He wasn't overthinking more; he was second-guessing less.
So when she said I want you to…
His hand at her back slid gently beneath her breastband, guided by the lines of her muscles and scars. And loosened the article so his other hand, caressing around her ribs, moved up too… and shifted the band gently aside.
As she was exposed, he touched her, still so lightly, tracing her swells as he had her scars; appreciatively, slowly, almost reverently.
And finally lowered his head, again, to rest softly against her and kiss her breast.
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She didn't feel nearly as precious as his careful touches presumed her to be, but for a moment at least, she could allow herself to believe that she was worthy of such reverence.
And she could return the unspoken sentiment as she traced equally gentle fingertips along the length of his shoulders, hoping that he felt something similar to the sensations he was inspiring in her.
Jyn sighed once she was free of the band, and he continued with his slow, tender exploration, the ache between her thighs only growing all the more insistent as he pressed a kiss to the thin, sensitive skin he'd uncovered.
He was far too good for whatever the universe held for him once they left this place.
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Cassian had never had a sexual experience that hadn't been trained. Even his first, when he himself was without ulterior motive (the last time he would be)—she was. After that… it was just a tool of espionage. Nothing to do with emotion. Imagine himself away. Focus on mechanics at expense of other thoughts. His general intelligence skills in reading microexpression and body language; the raven training they'd reluctantly decided he needed, extremely focused anatomy, nerve endings and biochemicals and psychology…
For the first time in his life, he was glad of his training… and wasn't focused on it at all. Instead of the point of the mission… it just let him… do what he wanted. Which was try to read and learn what she might want. And then, if she stayed with him in it, try to give it to her.
Which was why, at whatever slightest arch of limbs and tension of muscles gave her away, his hand responded by moving down to her knee. Fingertips dipped just inward. And stopped.
"Do you… may I…?"
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How did I lose this?? Ack! Sorry!! But I did just massively enjoy rereading all of it ^_^ ^_^ <3