wherehopegoes

wherehopegoes

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From:

wherehopegoes

Whatever it was - whether it was involuntary or just instinctual - Jyn did not shy away. She kept rubbing gentle little circles into his skin. For as much as she didn't want to think about it (and didn't want to consider why it stung to think about), sooner rather than later, they'd have to part.

"Will you be safe ... when you go?"

From:

candor1

He closed his eyes, rested his head against her hair, drank in the feeling of the patterns she carved on him.

Safe.

The honest answer might be, Never.

…Or was it? When that was, for him more than for many… a choice? Even a goal?

(It could be pointed out that is was also less a choice for him than for others, still. So it was with… everything.)

Either way—whatever his life would be like if he didn't choose this one, better or worse—he chose to walk where others shouldn't have to. Which was rarely safe.

But from this threat, these assailants, she'd saved him. If he ever needed to reengage, he'd have better prep, a better plan, and possibly backup.

"I'll be able to get back to my people," he said softly, at last. "Thanks to you."

It was the best answer he could give. Even if it wasn't one.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn might not have known the specifics, but she knew exactly what that long pause meant. Because if the tables were turned and he asked her the exact same question ... all she would have to offer was a remarkably similar answer.

Safe.

She hadn't felt safe since she was eight years old.

Until ...

Now.

Jyn didn't think that she needed to say anything else, and didn't think that what she had to say was something that Rilio didn't already know, but -

"Just be careful, yeah? Plenty of people out there looking to take advantage of others in whatever way they can."

And I can't always be there to watch out for you.

From:

candor1

The kiss he pressed to her this time was just as light, just as gentle, but lasted a whole heartbeat, and brushed the skin of her temple, not just her hair. "Yeah," he murmured in agreement. I know.

His heartbeat faltered a little. The faintest of tensions—apprehension?—ran through him. Though his voice was (practicedly) unchanged when he said quietly, "We're always looking for good people. If you're ever interested in… a job. With a group that tries to work against the ones taking advantage. …I'd certainly vouch for you."

From:

wherehopegoes

Again, she closed her eyes, not willing to expose (any more) how emotionally compromised she felt. But she relished the kiss, and how he lingered in the aftermath. If she was incredibly lucky, she'd be able to commit this moment to memory and call it to mind whenever she felt exceedingly lonely.

...

She wanted to say yes, but at the same time, she felt that her only clear choice was exactly the opposite. The last thing she wanted was to stay somewhere for a long period of time, to put down roots that would make it impossible to pull up when she would eventually need to run again.

She wasn't meant for that life.

"Ask me again the next time you see me, okay?"

I'll say yes.

From:

candor1

He wasn't sure there was a single, direct interpretation of that. But somewhere in the mix—of a dry but gentle decline—there was, maybe, what he felt too. The wish (the hope) it could actually happen. And the willingness, however unlikely, to live in that hope a little longer.

He tightened his arms around her again, and released again; a hug to indicate her words accepted. The matter closed. "Okay."

From:

wherehopegoes

They would probably never see each other again. The galaxy was a vast place, and the likelihood of running into each other on some Mid-Rim planet was slim to none. But perhaps they could take solace that however small, there was still the slight hope that they would cross paths again.

I don't even know you, Jyn thought, her own arm slung around his waist tightening just so. But I don't want to let you go. Before she lost her nerve completely, before she overthought and decided against it, she tipped her chin up just enough to be able to press a soft but lingering kiss to his shoulder.

From:

candor1

He craned his neck, tilted his head down, to look at her—checking in, or mildly surprised. He didn't comment. Only… his hands opened, and though he still refrained from closing his arms on her too tightly, his spread fingers and open palms pressed to her back. They smoothed gently between her shoulderblades and along her spine, no lower than the small of her back; like he was reading—memorizing—her.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn breathed shallowly, her muscles tensing, almost as if she was getting ready to pull away (and maybe she was, afraid that she had taken things just one step too far). But she wasn't questioned and nothing more was said - he just seemed to welcome it and to carefully return a similar gesture in the way that he explored along the length of her spine.

"I don't do this", she whispered, as much for herself as it was meant for Rilio to hear. "Don't get close to anyone, don't let anyone get close to me, not anymore. It just ... takes a piece of you when they're taken away, or they leave, and I - I'm afraid that soon, there will be nothing left."

Nothing left of her.

"I don't know how to explain it - ", she continued, a tremble lifting her voice just so. "But you feel ... safe."

From:

candor1

His heart started thudding harder. He wanted to be safe for her, and let her feel as much. Just as he felt, and wanted it to be true, that she was for him.

I see you. I know you. Don't you?

"Maybe… it's okay… because we're both in that same ship. We both know how it works."

One of his hands lifted from her back, to alight tentatively higher up, on the back of her head. His fingertips just barely combed into her hair.

"I keep changing my mind," he said more quietly still. "What's worse. Losing things is painful. But never having at all is painful too. Maybe it's better to take things when you can. Maybe it changes every time.

"I don't know. …But I understand what you mean."

From:

wherehopegoes

I see you. I know you.

I don't know how or why.

But I do.

Jyn thought she felt the speeding up of his heart - but at the same time, she almost convinced herself that she was totally imagining things. But she had little to worry about when it came to saying too much or taking too much as he spoke and settled some of her fears to rest.

He understood.

Jyn wouldn't wish this kind of understanding on anyone, and yet - Rilio understood. It was reassuring and heartrending all at once. But Jyn didn't pull away or otherwise discourage the comfort he was giving her (that she hopefully was sharing with him in return).

"... When does it stop hurting?"

From:

candor1

When we're dead?

"Should it stop?"

Though his arm did tighten a little, almost protectively, around her, as his lips traced the words softly into her hair.

"If it didn't hurt… what kind of people would we be?"

From:

wherehopegoes

"Sometimes I wish that it would."

Point taken. But it didn't make Jyn feel any better about the pain she had already experienced and the heartbreak that she knew was still awaiting her.

Still, it took a small handful of erratic heartbeats before she was able to reply, just as quietly - "I don't think I want to find out."

From:

candor1

He had nothing to respond to that. Just bent his face again to her, the back of her head, the side of her neck, and closed his eyes there; as one hand pressed again into the small of her back, holding her against him, and his other hand swept gently under her hair, pushing it off the nape of her neck.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn didn't require a response, although some part of her did want to extend an apology for taking so much when she had only ever meant to help. But she swallowed the words and concentrated instead on returning the gentle gestures he was sharing with her - fingertips trailing softly from shoulder down the length of his arm, her eyes closing as she felt warm, even breaths taken against her neck.

It was just one night. Maybe it wasn't terrible to be selfish for one night, to borrow a little comfort to see her through.

From:

candor1

He wanted badly to kiss her. The curve of her neck where it flowed into her shoulder, the hinge of her jaw, her mouth. He momentarily considered asking her if he could. He pushed it aside. He would accept 'no' for an answer, but the very act of asking could change the tone of the night. Ruin the relaxation, the sense of safety, of sanctuary. Make it seem like he was less glad than he truly was just of this, as an end in itself. And he'd been too many peoples' one-night stands to risk turning that on her—was amazed at himself for even considering it, having thought he'd had any chance of enjoying such a thing long drained out of him.

She just fit so amazingly in his arms. They fit together like they'd been holding each other for years.

Risking the sensuousness of it, he moved his hand along her back, her waist, savoring the sweeping curves of her, the way they fit against him, how they felt in his palm. And breathed her in, scent marked from various outside influences, and the underlying essence that was just her. Filled his senses with her and felt… suffused… and peaceful.

From:

wherehopegoes

What would he think to know that Jyn wanted the same thing? That it was taking every bit of restraint that she had to keep from asking him to? After everything, the last thing that she wanted was to take advantage - and even if Rilio were to say no - which she would accept, no questions asked - she would still feel an incredible amount of guilt to have even asked at all.

This was supposed to be a safe space, where he could rest and recuperate without fearing another incidence of being accosted and abused. This was more than enough for Jyn, as inherently lonely and alone as she was.

Instead, she would memorize the feel of being held so sweetly, and recall it on the nights that she felt particularly sad. She breathed out softly as he explored her and wished - not for the first time - that they had met under more favorable circumstances.

"I'm almost afraid to fall asleep again", she murmured, almost afraid to disturb the quiet of the moment.

From:

candor1

He felt a pang of guilt—that he knew was not what she intended. Still, afraid because he might lose control in a dream again? Or… because…

When in doubt, don't assume; ask. "Why?"

From:

wherehopegoes

Guilt had definitely not been Jyn's intention. For a moment, she wondered if she should have just kept the sentiment - her feelings - to herself. But he asked, and she wasn't going to shy away from an answer.

"I don't want to wake up alone."

Again.

From:

candor1

Ah…!

Another thing he understood perfectly.

So he hugged her tighter—so much for that resolution—then craned back his head, again, to look her in the eyes.

"I promise not to leave while you're asleep," he said. "I'm not going anywhere without talking to you.

"…If I even wake up first. Which I wouldn't put money on."

From:

wherehopegoes

He didn't have to offer her the consideration - but here he was, offering it anyway. And the arm she had slung around his middle loosened somewhat, as good a clue as any that she trusted the promise.

It felt ridiculous to thank him, but she wanted to, nonetheless. "I'll be right here."

Still, though, Jyn made no move to pull away, as content as she could be in the moment to stay exactly where she was. Selfish, maybe, but she hoped that he felt something similar.

She breathed out a quietly amused little noise. "Good. You need to rest."

From:

candor1

I think maybe you do, too.

It was too presumptuous to say. So he just poured it into his arms around her.

What he did murmur aloud: "I don't want to sleep right away, again, either. I want to stay aware of… this. A bit longer."

From:

wherehopegoes

He wouldn't have been wrong. Jyn couldn't remember the last time she had gotten what could be called even close to a good night's sleep.

But she was comfortable now, and she knew very well the value of taking opportunities as they came, including finding rest. She could hardly predict when she would find the opportunity again.

It felt as though her heart skipped a beat entirely to hear that and to know that in this, at least, they felt the same. "Yeah", she answered, just as quietly. "Me, too."

From:

candor1

He felt a stab of how dangerous this was. Not because he thought she was going to betray him. Not because of the looming pain of it ending. But because of what he was suddenly tempted to do so it wouldn't end; so this wouldn't be the only time. Tell her his real identity, his real story; see if she wanted to join him in it; give his up (for any amount of time) to join hers; any number of scenarios that involved giving away sensitive information and deprioritizing the Cause.

This was why he never had things like this. He would always choose service. Better and easier to never have anything to choose it over.

Too late for that, now. He felt it in his arms around her and chest against her and cheek upon her. He couldn't give this up until he had to. He'd fight himself off from trying to keep it, at least until morning, when he just had to take on faith he'd be able to walk away.

But ruling out talking and sleeping, both, and expending energy to do so, while still wanting connection, made it harder to resist trying a physical option…

Carefully, slowly, he brushed another kiss to the top of her head, amid her hair.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn burned with the desire to ask Rilio to ask her again - ask her about his people and meeting them and maybe making a place for her to belong. She didn't think that she would be able to say no if he asked again.

She didn't know if - when the morning came - she would be able to walk away as though she hadn't been fundamentally changed by the experience. And that was a terrifying prospect. Caring about people only led to heartbreak in the end. And she didn't know if she could withstand yet another one.

But she swallowed the urge back, and tried to content herself with the gentle trailing of her fingers along the length of an arm, hoping that somehow, she would be able to call this memory up to replay when she needed reminding that there was still good in the universe, that for one bright, shining moment, she had found it for herself.

She breathed out an unsteady little breath as she felt the gentle press of a kiss, and after a moment, found a way to nuzzle just a little closer still.