wherehopegoes

wherehopegoes

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From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn felt ...

Warm. Comfortable and more content than she could ever remember feeling before. Safe. It brought a lump to her throat that she couldn't quite swallow back down, and slowly, she inched just a tiny bit closer, closing some of the already tiny gap between them.

...

Wasn't she supposed to be the one giving comfort instead of taking it? With a soft little sigh escaping her lips, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to enjoy it.

"You can rest now", she whispered, not wanting to disturb the peace of the moment. "I've got you."

From:

candor1

As slightly as she shifted nearer, he slightly welcomed her; a further loosening of muscles and gentle release of breath, melting them together.

His arm momentarily tightened, no more than a pulse, around her, before lying beside her again; no impediment should she want to move away. He breathed back, "I know. …You, too."

From:

wherehopegoes

How was Jyn to know how much she had been needing something like this when she had effectively been shutting down every desire for it for longer than she would like to admit.

She shut her eyes tightly, sure that if she didn't, she would cry, and there would be no stopping the deluge once it began. All she could bring herself to say was a quiet, tired, "Thank you."

From:

candor1

Thank him? But he knew not to dismiss it, and she'd already discouraged his further thanking her. So…

This time, hoping it communicated what it was meant to and nothing more, he did it. Tilted his face and pressed the lightest of quick kisses to the top of her head.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn accepted the fleeting little kiss for what it was - or what she perceived it to be, a gesture of gratitude, not an attempt to ... initiate something more.

Her arm around his middle tightened slightly, not enough to hold him tight, but a wordless response to the kiss, that she felt it, that she appreciate it, that in the moment she was content and hoped he was, too.

From:

candor1

The tightening of her arm filled him with relief. He rested his head, all of him, against her; felt the hole in his chest momentarily filled with her in his arms, and let himself sink under the waves of their breathing—which now needed no deliberation at all to become the same.

From:

wherehopegoes

If she wasn't certain that she'd cross a line, Jyn would have placed her free palm against his forehead to gauge how bad his fever still was - and then carded her fingers through his hair as much for his comfort as her own. But this was good enough.

And for as much as she thought she would be hyperaware and unable to rest ... soon enough, she found her eyelids heavy, her exhaustion catching up with her as she yawned and was pulled deeper into rest.

From:

candor1

Peaceful as this made him, there was still some detoxing to do. Over the rest of the night, he would have occasional fits of shivering. He certainly sweat more than he would have liked. But there were no more night terrors. Once he woke and had to slip quickly away, get to the 'fresher, and empty his stomach. He took the opportunity to shower off a bit. He returned to the bed damp, but freshly rather than clammily. He slipped, smooth and silent, back beside her; and, if she didn't move away, his arms back around her. His skin felt finally cool, not just from the washing but from the fever having broken.

From:

wherehopegoes

Through sleep, Jyn registered the shivering for what it was, and it became the catalyst for her breaching what slight distanced still remained in order to hold Rilio a little closer, to steady him if he was feeling weak. But no sudden screaming or thrashing pulled her from sleep, although she couldn't say the same of when he slipped out of bed and she listened carefully just in case he needed her help.

The water turned on and stayed on for a bit, and then turned off. And when he rejoined her in bed, she allowed his arms to curl around her, to urge her back right where she'd been.

"Feel better now?", she asked softly, her thumb brushing against his side.

From:

candor1

"A lot," he confirmed, quietly back. It was harder not to pull her close—remembering, though he'd only been half-awake at the time, her doing so to him; steadying him until he stopped shaking. But he wouldn't. It was wonderful enough to have her in his arms while they lay passive, putting no strength into enveloping her, letting her dictate how much contact the rest of their bodies made. He felt abashed she'd chosen to do so while he was unwashed and perspiring, and hoped he'd repaid her a little by being cleaner, now. "How about you? Get any sleep?"

From:

wherehopegoes

"Good", she breathed, careful as she inched just a little closer. "I was worried."

But if he was feeling better after having gotten some sleep and a shower, he probably no longer needed her or the comfort she had been offering. And despite how much she wanted to return right back where she'd been, she wouldn't do anything to make him uncomfortable.

"Slept better than I've slept in years."

From:

candor1

His arms did tighten around her, in response to her movement or her words; a quick hug or a lapse of self-control. Either way, he relaxed his grip at once—nothing she couldn't leave easily, ever—but didn't shift away from how close it left them.

"I'm glad. Me, too."

From:

wherehopegoes

Whatever it was - whether it was involuntary or just instinctual - Jyn did not shy away. She kept rubbing gentle little circles into his skin. For as much as she didn't want to think about it (and didn't want to consider why it stung to think about), sooner rather than later, they'd have to part.

"Will you be safe ... when you go?"

From:

candor1

He closed his eyes, rested his head against her hair, drank in the feeling of the patterns she carved on him.

Safe.

The honest answer might be, Never.

…Or was it? When that was, for him more than for many… a choice? Even a goal?

(It could be pointed out that is was also less a choice for him than for others, still. So it was with… everything.)

Either way—whatever his life would be like if he didn't choose this one, better or worse—he chose to walk where others shouldn't have to. Which was rarely safe.

But from this threat, these assailants, she'd saved him. If he ever needed to reengage, he'd have better prep, a better plan, and possibly backup.

"I'll be able to get back to my people," he said softly, at last. "Thanks to you."

It was the best answer he could give. Even if it wasn't one.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn might not have known the specifics, but she knew exactly what that long pause meant. Because if the tables were turned and he asked her the exact same question ... all she would have to offer was a remarkably similar answer.

Safe.

She hadn't felt safe since she was eight years old.

Until ...

Now.

Jyn didn't think that she needed to say anything else, and didn't think that what she had to say was something that Rilio didn't already know, but -

"Just be careful, yeah? Plenty of people out there looking to take advantage of others in whatever way they can."

And I can't always be there to watch out for you.

From:

candor1

The kiss he pressed to her this time was just as light, just as gentle, but lasted a whole heartbeat, and brushed the skin of her temple, not just her hair. "Yeah," he murmured in agreement. I know.

His heartbeat faltered a little. The faintest of tensions—apprehension?—ran through him. Though his voice was (practicedly) unchanged when he said quietly, "We're always looking for good people. If you're ever interested in… a job. With a group that tries to work against the ones taking advantage. …I'd certainly vouch for you."

From:

wherehopegoes

Again, she closed her eyes, not willing to expose (any more) how emotionally compromised she felt. But she relished the kiss, and how he lingered in the aftermath. If she was incredibly lucky, she'd be able to commit this moment to memory and call it to mind whenever she felt exceedingly lonely.

...

She wanted to say yes, but at the same time, she felt that her only clear choice was exactly the opposite. The last thing she wanted was to stay somewhere for a long period of time, to put down roots that would make it impossible to pull up when she would eventually need to run again.

She wasn't meant for that life.

"Ask me again the next time you see me, okay?"

I'll say yes.

From:

candor1

He wasn't sure there was a single, direct interpretation of that. But somewhere in the mix—of a dry but gentle decline—there was, maybe, what he felt too. The wish (the hope) it could actually happen. And the willingness, however unlikely, to live in that hope a little longer.

He tightened his arms around her again, and released again; a hug to indicate her words accepted. The matter closed. "Okay."

From:

wherehopegoes

They would probably never see each other again. The galaxy was a vast place, and the likelihood of running into each other on some Mid-Rim planet was slim to none. But perhaps they could take solace that however small, there was still the slight hope that they would cross paths again.

I don't even know you, Jyn thought, her own arm slung around his waist tightening just so. But I don't want to let you go. Before she lost her nerve completely, before she overthought and decided against it, she tipped her chin up just enough to be able to press a soft but lingering kiss to his shoulder.

From:

candor1

He craned his neck, tilted his head down, to look at her—checking in, or mildly surprised. He didn't comment. Only… his hands opened, and though he still refrained from closing his arms on her too tightly, his spread fingers and open palms pressed to her back. They smoothed gently between her shoulderblades and along her spine, no lower than the small of her back; like he was reading—memorizing—her.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn breathed shallowly, her muscles tensing, almost as if she was getting ready to pull away (and maybe she was, afraid that she had taken things just one step too far). But she wasn't questioned and nothing more was said - he just seemed to welcome it and to carefully return a similar gesture in the way that he explored along the length of her spine.

"I don't do this", she whispered, as much for herself as it was meant for Rilio to hear. "Don't get close to anyone, don't let anyone get close to me, not anymore. It just ... takes a piece of you when they're taken away, or they leave, and I - I'm afraid that soon, there will be nothing left."

Nothing left of her.

"I don't know how to explain it - ", she continued, a tremble lifting her voice just so. "But you feel ... safe."

From:

candor1

His heart started thudding harder. He wanted to be safe for her, and let her feel as much. Just as he felt, and wanted it to be true, that she was for him.

I see you. I know you. Don't you?

"Maybe… it's okay… because we're both in that same ship. We both know how it works."

One of his hands lifted from her back, to alight tentatively higher up, on the back of her head. His fingertips just barely combed into her hair.

"I keep changing my mind," he said more quietly still. "What's worse. Losing things is painful. But never having at all is painful too. Maybe it's better to take things when you can. Maybe it changes every time.

"I don't know. …But I understand what you mean."

From:

wherehopegoes

I see you. I know you.

I don't know how or why.

But I do.

Jyn thought she felt the speeding up of his heart - but at the same time, she almost convinced herself that she was totally imagining things. But she had little to worry about when it came to saying too much or taking too much as he spoke and settled some of her fears to rest.

He understood.

Jyn wouldn't wish this kind of understanding on anyone, and yet - Rilio understood. It was reassuring and heartrending all at once. But Jyn didn't pull away or otherwise discourage the comfort he was giving her (that she hopefully was sharing with him in return).

"... When does it stop hurting?"

From:

candor1

When we're dead?

"Should it stop?"

Though his arm did tighten a little, almost protectively, around her, as his lips traced the words softly into her hair.

"If it didn't hurt… what kind of people would we be?"

From:

wherehopegoes

"Sometimes I wish that it would."

Point taken. But it didn't make Jyn feel any better about the pain she had already experienced and the heartbreak that she knew was still awaiting her.

Still, it took a small handful of erratic heartbeats before she was able to reply, just as quietly - "I don't think I want to find out."