wherehopegoes

wherehopegoes

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From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn didn't feel threatened. And if she did, she certainly wouldn't have put herself into this position, lying prone and vulnerable, her weapons only just out of reach. How did the saying go? No good deed went unpunished?

Maybe she saw something similar in Rilio, the same inherent loneliness, and felt the need to ... take care of him in the same ways that she herself needed to be taken care of.

Maybe - selfishly - she was taking some comfort in the being close and maintaining contact and ... not feeling quite so alone in the universe. Guiltily, her thoughts shifted to her unknown pen pal, and she tried to swallow down the feeling that she was doing something wrong.

It was quiet for a time, and while Jyn hadn't yet fallen back asleep, her eyes were closed. But when he spoke again, so softly, she cracked one and then the other, nodding her understanding, her lips pulling up into the tiniest hint of a smile. "I'll remember that."

It seemed easier than admitting that she might actually welcome curling up all the closer still. It was just for one night, they would never see each other again. Maybe she could let her walls down enough to admit that she needed the comfort, too.

But instead of saying that, what she offered instead was -

"I'm a very light sleeper, so if I ... get too close or do anything that you're uncomfortable with, just push my shoulder, or something, that will wake me up."

Edited Date: 2019-09-12 04:38 pm (UTC)

From:

candor1

"Shoulder," he murmured back. "Got it."

But though his speech remained sluggish, his mind was starting to pick up speed again. And right now it was frantically turning over and over the apparent fact that both of them were worried about imposing on the other one—maybe not minding the prospect for themselves? maybe even… wanting to…?

Cassian habitually couldn't let himself want. Want was the death of objectivity. He couldn't trust his interpretations not to fulfill or confirm what he wanted rather than reading them on their own.

Right now, with her… his analytic abilities doubly, maybe triply, compromised… but it seemed so very… compelling…

He didn't do what he really wanted—which was put an arm around her after all. But he dared to say softly, "I can't imagine minding. I mean, I wouldn't mind. …I mean… no need to worry if just for my sake." Oh, pfassk.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn no longer gave in to these sorts of wants - not often, anyway. But it was proving so difficult to ignore the innate desire to get a little closer, to share contact and comfort before the morning arrived and they would have to part.

But ...

Would that be taking advantage of an already bad situation? Even if she didn't do what the men she'd rescued him from had been planning to do, wouldn't that still make her guilty of something similar?

She was surprised into silence as he admitted, however softly, that he actually wouldn't mind if they ended up - inadvertently or not - being a little closer, and she wondered if maybe he needed safe contact for once, and if it was okay for her to want it in return.

Finally, after another soft squeeze to his fingers, she replied, just as quietly - "I don't think I'd mind, either."

From:

candor1

His turn to be silent; watching her with slightly feverish but more concerned, searching eyes. A soft return of her grip. He was still lucid; not so compromised that he couldn't make any calls. And he knew…

Slowly, he moved their joined hands, to guide and rest hers on his ribs. His mattress-side hand came up near her face, poised to slide his arm under the arch of her neck. His body language said Come here… but what he said aloud, very softly, was, "May I?"

From:

wherehopegoes

He didn't seem completely out of it anymore, despite his rest and recovery being derailed by whatever night terrors he'd been having. Jyn was hopeful that by morning, the fever, and whatever was left of the drugs in his system will have dissipated fully.

She allowed Rilio to guide her hand, and although she was a bit tentative at first, once she knew that she wasn't causing him any discomfort, she rested her palm against his ribs a little more easily, still gentle, though, not rough or demanding in any way.

For as much as she wanted to shift herself as close as she dared, she left it up to him to decide how close was close enough. Jyn tensed as his hand neared her face, but after a calming breath, she settled again. She hoped he didn't notice the barest tremble in her voice when she replied - "You may."

From:

candor1

He did notice… and it made him pause. But he thought it wasn't aversion… just… what he was feeling too…?

"Nothing you don't want," he said softly. "You've already done more than enough for my sake. Okay?"

From:

wherehopegoes

Nothing she didn't want. Jyn felt as though it was a promise she should have been offering instead. Nothing that Rilio didn't want. Nothing that made him feel the least bit uncomfortable. This was supposed to be a safe space, after all, and if Jyn was the one who made it feel anything but ...

"It's been a long time since I've been close to anyone", she offered by way of explanation. "It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't want to take too much."

She sighed, but still managed a soft, slight smile, meant to be as reassuring as possible. "Nothing that you don't want, too."

From:

candor1

He was a little startled. Then smiled back. "That's how I feel, too."

Again, possibly the drugs doing a bit of the talking… not in the content of what he said; more being able to say it unvarnished. (And the scope—they weren't talking about going any further than an embrace, right?) "How's this… You can believe when I say yes, because I promise when I need to I'll say no. …You'll have to take on faith that I know the drugs aren't a problem for that. They might actually be helping… me be that honest."

From:

wherehopegoes

"As long as we're on the same page", she replied, and although it was a serious statement, there was still just the hint of a quiet amusement in her voice.

But she listened carefully as he spoke and gently nodded her understanding when he was through. This wasn't going to be anything other than sharing a little comfort in the aftermath of what could have been something terrible. As long as she allowed Rilio to take the lead and decide what was and was not acceptable, they would both be fine.

"I trust you to know what's best for you, what's most comfortable - ", she replied, gently patting her hand against his side, where he'd led her to rest it. "Just ... tell me how you want me."

From:

candor1

Tell me how you want me… That sentence could have made him stop. It was what his side of such situations usually was. But from her… with the foundations she'd already established—that she wanted, too, but in order to relax into that, wanted the roadmap of his boundaries… he'd been on that side of things, too. So, he did trust her. (Again: how long had they known each other…?) More than he would himself, not to self-sacrifice or self-ignore. He would trust her to say no, as well. Yes, on the same page.

So, still paying close attention for any physiological signs from her that might indicate discomfort, he finished what he'd started: moved his arm gently between her and the mattress, until his shoulder was under her head. It brought their bodies nearly flush together. But he didn't press; he left that last little bit of distance up to her. He did tilt his head just enough that he felt the brush of her hair against his face. And his other arm, he brought up, so his hand could light carefully on her side, as she'd allowed hers to be guided onto his.

He said softly into her hair, "Still okay?"

From:

wherehopegoes

But Jyn wasn't saying it in the sense that she had no other choice. She did, and she was choosing to share comfort with him - to offer it and to borrow it in return. She could hardly say why she wasn't pulling away and staying away, or why it felt right in so many ways that she couldn't even begin to explain ...

She didn't tense again as he gathered her closer - not too close, but with just enough space between so as not to feel claustrophobic, space that she could breach if she felt comfortable enough to do so. Jyn didn't, though, not so soon, content enough to close her eyes and (guiltily) enjoy the slight weight and heat of his palm against her side.

"Mmhm. Still good. For you?"

From:

candor1

"Yeah." Even if he hadn't said anything, his deepening breathing and slowing heartrate would be an answer.

Bodies were ridiculous. Lying wrapped up with someone else made you so much more compromised and vulnerable, to them and anything else; but it made you feel so much safer and secured.

Right now, he embraced the ridiculous. It had been so long since he'd felt this.

Out of nowhere, he thought suddenly of the phantom on the other side of the notes—the artifacts—the vibroblade. Wondered if (she?) they had ever had this, might be having it now with someone else, too.

His mind couldn't stray much, though. —Another benefit, another miracle. He could get outside himself and focus on her: her breathing, her shape, her warmth. He simultaneously felt he could fall into a deeper, more restorative sleep, and wanted to stay awake so he could stay aware of this; every moment.

The arm attached to the shoulder under her head bent a little, to be somewhat around her, resting lightly against her back—without trying to pull or gather her in closer. Just, there.

"Would have been nice to get here differently," he said softly, "but I'm glad to be here, right now."

From:

wherehopegoes

One word, and Jyn relaxed all the further.

By all rights, she should have done exactly the opposite. Rilio was a stranger, and despite the ordeal he had gone through, how could she trust that this was safe? Part of her felt ridiculous for giving in so easily to the desire for comfort ...

But a bigger part of her relished in it. It felt good, not being alone for once in her life. It felt good to trust enough in another person to let her guard down enough to be able to find some real rest, to offer him the same, even though she wasn't sure that she was any good at it at all.

Her fingers traced nondescript little patterns where they rested and she hummed softly in agreement - surprised to note that she really did feel much the same way. "Me, too."

From:

candor1

The light vibration of her hum, the nonsense script she wrote on him, sank him deeper into the bed and brought a smile to his lips.

He wanted suddenly to kiss her—not even her mouth, but her hair, her forehead. He refrained. But he resettled his head on the pillow and his face against her, so his cheek brushed and rested against the top of her head. …And it had something of the same feel. Good thank you.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn felt ...

Warm. Comfortable and more content than she could ever remember feeling before. Safe. It brought a lump to her throat that she couldn't quite swallow back down, and slowly, she inched just a tiny bit closer, closing some of the already tiny gap between them.

...

Wasn't she supposed to be the one giving comfort instead of taking it? With a soft little sigh escaping her lips, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to enjoy it.

"You can rest now", she whispered, not wanting to disturb the peace of the moment. "I've got you."

From:

candor1

As slightly as she shifted nearer, he slightly welcomed her; a further loosening of muscles and gentle release of breath, melting them together.

His arm momentarily tightened, no more than a pulse, around her, before lying beside her again; no impediment should she want to move away. He breathed back, "I know. …You, too."

From:

wherehopegoes

How was Jyn to know how much she had been needing something like this when she had effectively been shutting down every desire for it for longer than she would like to admit.

She shut her eyes tightly, sure that if she didn't, she would cry, and there would be no stopping the deluge once it began. All she could bring herself to say was a quiet, tired, "Thank you."

From:

candor1

Thank him? But he knew not to dismiss it, and she'd already discouraged his further thanking her. So…

This time, hoping it communicated what it was meant to and nothing more, he did it. Tilted his face and pressed the lightest of quick kisses to the top of her head.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn accepted the fleeting little kiss for what it was - or what she perceived it to be, a gesture of gratitude, not an attempt to ... initiate something more.

Her arm around his middle tightened slightly, not enough to hold him tight, but a wordless response to the kiss, that she felt it, that she appreciate it, that in the moment she was content and hoped he was, too.

From:

candor1

The tightening of her arm filled him with relief. He rested his head, all of him, against her; felt the hole in his chest momentarily filled with her in his arms, and let himself sink under the waves of their breathing—which now needed no deliberation at all to become the same.

From:

wherehopegoes

If she wasn't certain that she'd cross a line, Jyn would have placed her free palm against his forehead to gauge how bad his fever still was - and then carded her fingers through his hair as much for his comfort as her own. But this was good enough.

And for as much as she thought she would be hyperaware and unable to rest ... soon enough, she found her eyelids heavy, her exhaustion catching up with her as she yawned and was pulled deeper into rest.

From:

candor1

Peaceful as this made him, there was still some detoxing to do. Over the rest of the night, he would have occasional fits of shivering. He certainly sweat more than he would have liked. But there were no more night terrors. Once he woke and had to slip quickly away, get to the 'fresher, and empty his stomach. He took the opportunity to shower off a bit. He returned to the bed damp, but freshly rather than clammily. He slipped, smooth and silent, back beside her; and, if she didn't move away, his arms back around her. His skin felt finally cool, not just from the washing but from the fever having broken.

From:

wherehopegoes

Through sleep, Jyn registered the shivering for what it was, and it became the catalyst for her breaching what slight distanced still remained in order to hold Rilio a little closer, to steady him if he was feeling weak. But no sudden screaming or thrashing pulled her from sleep, although she couldn't say the same of when he slipped out of bed and she listened carefully just in case he needed her help.

The water turned on and stayed on for a bit, and then turned off. And when he rejoined her in bed, she allowed his arms to curl around her, to urge her back right where she'd been.

"Feel better now?", she asked softly, her thumb brushing against his side.

From:

candor1

"A lot," he confirmed, quietly back. It was harder not to pull her close—remembering, though he'd only been half-awake at the time, her doing so to him; steadying him until he stopped shaking. But he wouldn't. It was wonderful enough to have her in his arms while they lay passive, putting no strength into enveloping her, letting her dictate how much contact the rest of their bodies made. He felt abashed she'd chosen to do so while he was unwashed and perspiring, and hoped he'd repaid her a little by being cleaner, now. "How about you? Get any sleep?"

From:

wherehopegoes

"Good", she breathed, careful as she inched just a little closer. "I was worried."

But if he was feeling better after having gotten some sleep and a shower, he probably no longer needed her or the comfort she had been offering. And despite how much she wanted to return right back where she'd been, she wouldn't do anything to make him uncomfortable.

"Slept better than I've slept in years."