wherehopegoes

wherehopegoes

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From:

wherehopegoes

Tentatively, Jyn reached back to set whatever she had grabbed - she still didn't even know, so concentrated on Rilio and trying to bring him out of whatever he was seeing, only not hesitating when it came to offering the hand, the anchor, that he was looking for.

"That's it. I'm here, and you are safe. What you're seeing isn't real, Rilio. You just need to wake up to see. Come on, follow the sound of my voice."

From:

candor1

What's real…?

…but it was what wasn't that reached him at last.

The fake name.

Not Cassian.

Not the little boy with the dead father, not the soldier-assassin destroying everyone around him, not the man with the bad dreams.

This name meant nothing except this moment, this situation… and in it, with him, was…

The tension in his face drained until his eyes finally opened.

"…Liana." —Great. His voice sounded like shit.

His eyes sank down to their joined hands. His mouth opened to say something, but he had no idea what. He closed it again. Maybe he should let her go, pull his own hand back in embarrassment, turn over and pretend…

He did duck his head, close his eyes again… but though his grip on her hand gentled, it didn't let go.

"I'm sorry."

From:

wherehopegoes

It was to be expected, she thought, sounding so confused and wrecked. Given what he'd been through earlier, and whatever visions had been terrorizing him just now, Jyn was surprised that he even remembered who she was and where they were.

But as she gingerly sat down at the edge of the bed, her breath catching at the stitch in her side, she too did not release the hand still holding onto hers. She would be gone in the morning, she could afford to share whatever comfort and strength he needed now.

"You've nothing to apologize for. No harm done."

Her grip tightened, but only momentarily before she relaxed it once more.

"Are you alright?"

From:

candor1

The bed had started spinning, gently, out from under him. He bent his face to their joint hands, pressing his forehead to the back of hers, trying to anchor himself.

His voice might be overemotional, but he found neutrality in content, at least. "Not detoxed enough, obviously."

What he should do was get up, go to the 'fresher, and make himself throw up, or at least drink some water. But he was too dizzy… and too… … …

You don't know her

… …unwilling to let her go.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn exhaled sharply at the touch of forehead to the back of her hand. He was burning up. Luckily, the still half-full canteen was sitting at the floor near her feet, and it didn't take much effort on her part to bend just enough to be able to snatch it and sit back up, offering it for a drink, something to soothe whatever was still wreaking havoc in his system.

"No", she replied, her voice as calm and comforting as possible, although still tinged with worry. "Maybe by morning."

A pause. A breath.

"How can I help?"

From:

candor1

He pulled back his face from their hands, put his head back on the pillow, and propped himself up enough to accept the canteen (with his free hand) and drink without all the water winding up on the bed. He set the canteen softly down on the table on his side. (Thinking how foolish, how amateur, he'd left all the weapons on her side… but dispassionate; detached. He didn't actually want anything to do with weapons right not. He wasn't fit to wield one at the moment—however many times in the past he'd had to. But even if he were… she'd done nothing but reinforce the sense of haven… of trust…

…and he wanted…)

"You already have. So much."

Voice sounding better, there. Still overquiet but that was appropriate.

"I don't think I'll be that bad again. If you want to get more sleep.

"I might… if you don't mind…"

Stay facing you? Keep holding your hand? Move a little closer? There must be a middle ground between cowardly understatement and appalling presumption…

He gave up and went for honesty. However creepy. "I might try to match your breathing. Calm mine down."

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn wasn't currently focusing on the weapons - and there was no real reason to. She didn't feel threatened, only worried. But despite the fever, Rilio was alert enough, coherent enough, and maybe the drugs would work their way through his system within the next handful of hours.

She watched as he drank, nodding her satisfaction once he finished and set the canteen at his bedside. Hopefully, the water would help cool him down and hasten the purge.

Maybe she shouldn't have been so trusting of this stranger, but for whatever reason ... she felt that she knew that she was safe with him, even in such close quarters, even with weapons nearby, but not on her person anymore. For all intents and purposes, she was very vulnerable, but she trusted that he wouldn't try to take advantage.

"You need the rest more than I do", she answered, and that was a lie, she was perpetually sleep-deprived, waiting to hear what it was that he was going to ask of her.

All things considered, it wasn't the worst suggestion he could have made, however ... familiar it was. She could give him that much, at least. "Okay. We can do that."

Strange, how the prospect didn't make her nervous or wary in the slightest.

From:

candor1

Her words were agreeable, but it meant more to him that the way she said it sounded… comfortable. Not self-sacrificing. He wouldn't want her to be. Not for him… and not (despite not knowing her or her life) at all.

He exhaled gratefully, and shifted himself to be a little more, again, on his own side. But stayed facing her… and, though he uncurled his fingers, giving her an easy exit if she wanted it, not withdrawing his hand; not breaking the gentle contact against hers.

From:

wherehopegoes

It wasn't meant to be placating at all. If that's what he thought he needed in order to find some rest, then she would assist.

...

Maybe it was a little selfish on her part, as well, since it felt like it had been a lifetime ago that she had shared any sort of genuine contact with anybody, and she was accustomed to being on her own, but that didn't mean that she didn't ...

Want.

Jyn waited until it seemed like he was comfortably lying down again, and carefully did much the same, conscious of not jostling him too much as she slowly inched closer.

And she didn't remove her hand from his the entire way through, even if it made some of her movements a bit awkward. But the last thing she wanted was a self-examination as to why.

From:

candor1

She brought their bodies closer than they'd been before. He found himself suddenly wishing he could close the gap entirely, put his arms around her, rest his head against her, let their breathing and heartbeats unify through contact, and find sleep pressed together.

Wishing, because it didn't occur to him for an instant to actually try.

But she was still holding his hand, letting him hold hers. That was momentous as an end in itself.

He wasn't entirely aware of his thumb moving gently on her skin.

He just sank himself deeper into the pillows and the bed, matching his awareness of her body, the impression she made in the mattress and in space itself; and, true to his word, began to modulate his breathing, synchronizing with hers.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn didn't think to move in any closer, didn't want to cross some unspoken boundary by doing so - with what Rilio had just been through, it made perfect sense to give him the agency to determine what was acceptable and what was not.

But -

If he initiated the act of getting even closer ... she wouldn't have denied the request, whether he voiced it out loud, or actively sought out more physical contact. If Jyn were more honest with herself, if she allowed herself to ask for the things she wanted, she might have initiated first.

But this was comfortable enough, sharing space, sharing the simple pleasure of holding hands, keeping them both anchored in the moment and the knowledge that whatever he had been dreaming about before was not real and this was.

Jyn was silent as she relaxed as much as her body would allow, breathing in and out, watching Rilio to make sure he did the same.

From:

candor1

What he'd 'just been through', and years of less overt dismissals of his own consent, made him only more wary [say it: afraid] of himself ever inflicting the like on someone else. Even asking made him worried that saying such words aloud was imposing pressure, and he wouldn't act without asking.

With Liana… who he didn't know… all he really knew was that she could kick his ass if she needed to (even were he stone cold sober) but he would never want her to need to… and, even if her motive ultimately proved different than advertised, right now she was choosing to be kind…

He found himself… wanting… needing?…

If he weren't drugged, would he have been able to refrain?

Would that be better?

But after a while, just lying and breathing together—and finding that in of itself more restful than he'd felt for a long, long while—he risked wrecking it by murmuring aloud, "When I fall asleep again…" (and amazing enough to be able to say 'when') "…if I try anything—putting an arm around you—anything you don't want… my stomach's really ticklish. Will wake me right up. Or make me back off even if not."

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn didn't feel threatened. And if she did, she certainly wouldn't have put herself into this position, lying prone and vulnerable, her weapons only just out of reach. How did the saying go? No good deed went unpunished?

Maybe she saw something similar in Rilio, the same inherent loneliness, and felt the need to ... take care of him in the same ways that she herself needed to be taken care of.

Maybe - selfishly - she was taking some comfort in the being close and maintaining contact and ... not feeling quite so alone in the universe. Guiltily, her thoughts shifted to her unknown pen pal, and she tried to swallow down the feeling that she was doing something wrong.

It was quiet for a time, and while Jyn hadn't yet fallen back asleep, her eyes were closed. But when he spoke again, so softly, she cracked one and then the other, nodding her understanding, her lips pulling up into the tiniest hint of a smile. "I'll remember that."

It seemed easier than admitting that she might actually welcome curling up all the closer still. It was just for one night, they would never see each other again. Maybe she could let her walls down enough to admit that she needed the comfort, too.

But instead of saying that, what she offered instead was -

"I'm a very light sleeper, so if I ... get too close or do anything that you're uncomfortable with, just push my shoulder, or something, that will wake me up."

Edited Date: 2019-09-12 04:38 pm (UTC)

From:

candor1

"Shoulder," he murmured back. "Got it."

But though his speech remained sluggish, his mind was starting to pick up speed again. And right now it was frantically turning over and over the apparent fact that both of them were worried about imposing on the other one—maybe not minding the prospect for themselves? maybe even… wanting to…?

Cassian habitually couldn't let himself want. Want was the death of objectivity. He couldn't trust his interpretations not to fulfill or confirm what he wanted rather than reading them on their own.

Right now, with her… his analytic abilities doubly, maybe triply, compromised… but it seemed so very… compelling…

He didn't do what he really wanted—which was put an arm around her after all. But he dared to say softly, "I can't imagine minding. I mean, I wouldn't mind. …I mean… no need to worry if just for my sake." Oh, pfassk.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn no longer gave in to these sorts of wants - not often, anyway. But it was proving so difficult to ignore the innate desire to get a little closer, to share contact and comfort before the morning arrived and they would have to part.

But ...

Would that be taking advantage of an already bad situation? Even if she didn't do what the men she'd rescued him from had been planning to do, wouldn't that still make her guilty of something similar?

She was surprised into silence as he admitted, however softly, that he actually wouldn't mind if they ended up - inadvertently or not - being a little closer, and she wondered if maybe he needed safe contact for once, and if it was okay for her to want it in return.

Finally, after another soft squeeze to his fingers, she replied, just as quietly - "I don't think I'd mind, either."

From:

candor1

His turn to be silent; watching her with slightly feverish but more concerned, searching eyes. A soft return of her grip. He was still lucid; not so compromised that he couldn't make any calls. And he knew…

Slowly, he moved their joined hands, to guide and rest hers on his ribs. His mattress-side hand came up near her face, poised to slide his arm under the arch of her neck. His body language said Come here… but what he said aloud, very softly, was, "May I?"

From:

wherehopegoes

He didn't seem completely out of it anymore, despite his rest and recovery being derailed by whatever night terrors he'd been having. Jyn was hopeful that by morning, the fever, and whatever was left of the drugs in his system will have dissipated fully.

She allowed Rilio to guide her hand, and although she was a bit tentative at first, once she knew that she wasn't causing him any discomfort, she rested her palm against his ribs a little more easily, still gentle, though, not rough or demanding in any way.

For as much as she wanted to shift herself as close as she dared, she left it up to him to decide how close was close enough. Jyn tensed as his hand neared her face, but after a calming breath, she settled again. She hoped he didn't notice the barest tremble in her voice when she replied - "You may."

From:

candor1

He did notice… and it made him pause. But he thought it wasn't aversion… just… what he was feeling too…?

"Nothing you don't want," he said softly. "You've already done more than enough for my sake. Okay?"

From:

wherehopegoes

Nothing she didn't want. Jyn felt as though it was a promise she should have been offering instead. Nothing that Rilio didn't want. Nothing that made him feel the least bit uncomfortable. This was supposed to be a safe space, after all, and if Jyn was the one who made it feel anything but ...

"It's been a long time since I've been close to anyone", she offered by way of explanation. "It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't want to take too much."

She sighed, but still managed a soft, slight smile, meant to be as reassuring as possible. "Nothing that you don't want, too."

From:

candor1

He was a little startled. Then smiled back. "That's how I feel, too."

Again, possibly the drugs doing a bit of the talking… not in the content of what he said; more being able to say it unvarnished. (And the scope—they weren't talking about going any further than an embrace, right?) "How's this… You can believe when I say yes, because I promise when I need to I'll say no. …You'll have to take on faith that I know the drugs aren't a problem for that. They might actually be helping… me be that honest."

From:

wherehopegoes

"As long as we're on the same page", she replied, and although it was a serious statement, there was still just the hint of a quiet amusement in her voice.

But she listened carefully as he spoke and gently nodded her understanding when he was through. This wasn't going to be anything other than sharing a little comfort in the aftermath of what could have been something terrible. As long as she allowed Rilio to take the lead and decide what was and was not acceptable, they would both be fine.

"I trust you to know what's best for you, what's most comfortable - ", she replied, gently patting her hand against his side, where he'd led her to rest it. "Just ... tell me how you want me."

From:

candor1

Tell me how you want me… That sentence could have made him stop. It was what his side of such situations usually was. But from her… with the foundations she'd already established—that she wanted, too, but in order to relax into that, wanted the roadmap of his boundaries… he'd been on that side of things, too. So, he did trust her. (Again: how long had they known each other…?) More than he would himself, not to self-sacrifice or self-ignore. He would trust her to say no, as well. Yes, on the same page.

So, still paying close attention for any physiological signs from her that might indicate discomfort, he finished what he'd started: moved his arm gently between her and the mattress, until his shoulder was under her head. It brought their bodies nearly flush together. But he didn't press; he left that last little bit of distance up to her. He did tilt his head just enough that he felt the brush of her hair against his face. And his other arm, he brought up, so his hand could light carefully on her side, as she'd allowed hers to be guided onto his.

He said softly into her hair, "Still okay?"

From:

wherehopegoes

But Jyn wasn't saying it in the sense that she had no other choice. She did, and she was choosing to share comfort with him - to offer it and to borrow it in return. She could hardly say why she wasn't pulling away and staying away, or why it felt right in so many ways that she couldn't even begin to explain ...

She didn't tense again as he gathered her closer - not too close, but with just enough space between so as not to feel claustrophobic, space that she could breach if she felt comfortable enough to do so. Jyn didn't, though, not so soon, content enough to close her eyes and (guiltily) enjoy the slight weight and heat of his palm against her side.

"Mmhm. Still good. For you?"

From:

candor1

"Yeah." Even if he hadn't said anything, his deepening breathing and slowing heartrate would be an answer.

Bodies were ridiculous. Lying wrapped up with someone else made you so much more compromised and vulnerable, to them and anything else; but it made you feel so much safer and secured.

Right now, he embraced the ridiculous. It had been so long since he'd felt this.

Out of nowhere, he thought suddenly of the phantom on the other side of the notes—the artifacts—the vibroblade. Wondered if (she?) they had ever had this, might be having it now with someone else, too.

His mind couldn't stray much, though. —Another benefit, another miracle. He could get outside himself and focus on her: her breathing, her shape, her warmth. He simultaneously felt he could fall into a deeper, more restorative sleep, and wanted to stay awake so he could stay aware of this; every moment.

The arm attached to the shoulder under her head bent a little, to be somewhat around her, resting lightly against her back—without trying to pull or gather her in closer. Just, there.

"Would have been nice to get here differently," he said softly, "but I'm glad to be here, right now."

From:

wherehopegoes

One word, and Jyn relaxed all the further.

By all rights, she should have done exactly the opposite. Rilio was a stranger, and despite the ordeal he had gone through, how could she trust that this was safe? Part of her felt ridiculous for giving in so easily to the desire for comfort ...

But a bigger part of her relished in it. It felt good, not being alone for once in her life. It felt good to trust enough in another person to let her guard down enough to be able to find some real rest, to offer him the same, even though she wasn't sure that she was any good at it at all.

Her fingers traced nondescript little patterns where they rested and she hummed softly in agreement - surprised to note that she really did feel much the same way. "Me, too."