Some well-integrated part of his training allowed him, through his haze, to note her action with the weapons. And mirror her: shrugging out of his jacket and setting the blaster (not his, damn them, the one he'd requisitioned off them) he'd stuck into his belt on the table beside hers. Ah, they'd left him his vibroblade, which he also deposited there.
(Whether he left his smaller, ankle holstered secondary blaster where it was because he was too tired to remember, too queasy to lean over, or because he really couldn't trust that much just yet…
Sort it out when he could think.)
He winced, in perhaps sympathetic pain. Simultaneous with the (pride? don't be ridiculous—) admiration in his eyes and voice when he agreed, "Yeah. You did at that. —But thinking you definitely should rest, too." He set the flask down at last, among the weapons, and swung his legs up onto the mattress—but paused and gestured down at it, to her. "Which side is yours?"
Jyn observed the disarming with a practiced air of nonchalance, but she was glad to note the reciprocation, the acceptance of her assertion that she was not a threat, the mirroring of her action as if to say that neither was he.
Still, Jyn wasn't a stupid woman, and Rilio was a stranger, and it would be remiss of her to let her guard down. So, she was as open as possible while keeping her walls up high.
She watched as the blaster was set near hers, and a vibroblade, which if she had studied it carefully, would notice that it bore a striking resemblance to the one that she had secreted securely in her boot.
Jyn breathed out a noise that might've been amused, shrugging slightly. "That's what they get for underestimating me", she replied, glancing over toward the bed with a quizzical expression lifting an eyebrow just so. Which side? It was a bed, so the positioning didn't much matter to her. "Ah - whichever one you don't take."
He managed to nod before sinking backwards onto the pillows. He rolled over to the far side of the bed, so she wouldn't have to walk around before lying down herself. And he kept his back to her—to give her the relative privacy when she did lie down, but also… hard, among people like them, to make a clearer offer of trust.
"Thanks again," he mumbled as his consciousness started to shut down. "Liana. For saving me."
Jyn wouldn't sleep easily nor heavily - but then, that wasn't anything new for her. She watched as he seemingly got as comfortable as possible, given the situation, and murmured a quick 'you're welcome'.
She wasn't quite ready to lay down, not with her earlier adrenaline still waning, so once she was certain that he was resting, once she had spent a few minutes watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, hearing his rhythmic breathing, she headed into the 'fresher for a quick shower.
And to take stock of her injuries, the bruising hidden beneath her shirt. But once she had stepped out of the shower, dried off and re-dressed, and finally - gingerly - got into bed, too, careful to hug the edge so as not to get too close.
Morning would come soon enough, and when it did, they would part.
He was fighting so hard Whirling and spinning and kicking and punching Adrenaline pumping hard too Everything around him not slowed a beat But every moment sharp and clear Going so fast he didn't feel in charge of his body at all Rather trapped inside it watching everything unfold They fell before and around him and were replaced by others A blaster was in his hand then a knife then nothing He shot and stabbed and hit over and over and over again And then he was looking down at the bodies And the stormtrooper helmets were all split in two Behind them: The dead faces of anyone he'd loved
He'd just killed them
Cassian's limbs jerked and twitched; his breath came hard, punctuated with occasional staccato vocalizations; mostly motionless, still very clear he was caught in and fighting hard against something
until he suddenly screamed aloud, his whole body jerking, and his hand flung out and slammed into the side table.
He had warned her that he might thrash around a little, but Jyn was jerked awake by something that was far more than just a little, the scream that ripped from his throat more than enough to set her nerves on edge, the slamming of his hand against the side table what sent her out of bed entirely, her hand searching the nearby table for a weapon - any weapon - just in case she might need to defend herself.
Even though her head was spinning and her side was hurting all the worse from the sudden movement, she realized that it was a night terror that had Rilio in its grasp. She didn't want to poke or prod at him, cause him to react violently, running the risk of hurting the both of them.
Her voice firm, but not angry, she reminded him of who she was, where they were, whatever he was seeing wasn't real, and that he was, for the moment, safe with her.
The voice in the riot: "He's gone. Come on. Leave it. Leave it. That's it. This way." Her hand taking his, pulling him to his feet from where he'd lain across Jerón's body, and they ran—
He turned over—shivering, eyes tightly closed—to face her, his hand blindly (unconsciously?) reaching for her.
Tentatively, Jyn reached back to set whatever she had grabbed - she still didn't even know, so concentrated on Rilio and trying to bring him out of whatever he was seeing, only not hesitating when it came to offering the hand, the anchor, that he was looking for.
"That's it. I'm here, and you are safe. What you're seeing isn't real, Rilio. You just need to wake up to see. Come on, follow the sound of my voice."
Not the little boy with the dead father, not the soldier-assassin destroying everyone around him, not the man with the bad dreams.
This name meant nothing except this moment, this situation… and in it, with him, was…
The tension in his face drained until his eyes finally opened.
"…Liana." —Great. His voice sounded like shit.
His eyes sank down to their joined hands. His mouth opened to say something, but he had no idea what. He closed it again. Maybe he should let her go, pull his own hand back in embarrassment, turn over and pretend…
He did duck his head, close his eyes again… but though his grip on her hand gentled, it didn't let go.
It was to be expected, she thought, sounding so confused and wrecked. Given what he'd been through earlier, and whatever visions had been terrorizing him just now, Jyn was surprised that he even remembered who she was and where they were.
But as she gingerly sat down at the edge of the bed, her breath catching at the stitch in her side, she too did not release the hand still holding onto hers. She would be gone in the morning, she could afford to share whatever comfort and strength he needed now.
"You've nothing to apologize for. No harm done."
Her grip tightened, but only momentarily before she relaxed it once more.
The bed had started spinning, gently, out from under him. He bent his face to their joint hands, pressing his forehead to the back of hers, trying to anchor himself.
His voice might be overemotional, but he found neutrality in content, at least. "Not detoxed enough, obviously."
What he should do was get up, go to the 'fresher, and make himself throw up, or at least drink some water. But he was too dizzy… and too… … …
Jyn exhaled sharply at the touch of forehead to the back of her hand. He was burning up. Luckily, the still half-full canteen was sitting at the floor near her feet, and it didn't take much effort on her part to bend just enough to be able to snatch it and sit back up, offering it for a drink, something to soothe whatever was still wreaking havoc in his system.
"No", she replied, her voice as calm and comforting as possible, although still tinged with worry. "Maybe by morning."
He pulled back his face from their hands, put his head back on the pillow, and propped himself up enough to accept the canteen (with his free hand) and drink without all the water winding up on the bed. He set the canteen softly down on the table on his side. (Thinking how foolish, how amateur, he'd left all the weapons on her side… but dispassionate; detached. He didn't actually want anything to do with weapons right not. He wasn't fit to wield one at the moment—however many times in the past he'd had to. But even if he were… she'd done nothing but reinforce the sense of haven… of trust…
…and he wanted…)
"You already have. So much."
Voice sounding better, there. Still overquiet but that was appropriate.
"I don't think I'll be that bad again. If you want to get more sleep.
"I might… if you don't mind…"
Stay facing you? Keep holding your hand? Move a little closer? There must be a middle ground between cowardly understatement and appalling presumption…
He gave up and went for honesty. However creepy. "I might try to match your breathing. Calm mine down."
Jyn wasn't currently focusing on the weapons - and there was no real reason to. She didn't feel threatened, only worried. But despite the fever, Rilio was alert enough, coherent enough, and maybe the drugs would work their way through his system within the next handful of hours.
She watched as he drank, nodding her satisfaction once he finished and set the canteen at his bedside. Hopefully, the water would help cool him down and hasten the purge.
Maybe she shouldn't have been so trusting of this stranger, but for whatever reason ... she felt that she knew that she was safe with him, even in such close quarters, even with weapons nearby, but not on her person anymore. For all intents and purposes, she was very vulnerable, but she trusted that he wouldn't try to take advantage.
"You need the rest more than I do", she answered, and that was a lie, she was perpetually sleep-deprived, waiting to hear what it was that he was going to ask of her.
All things considered, it wasn't the worst suggestion he could have made, however ... familiar it was. She could give him that much, at least. "Okay. We can do that."
Strange, how the prospect didn't make her nervous or wary in the slightest.
Her words were agreeable, but it meant more to him that the way she said it sounded… comfortable. Not self-sacrificing. He wouldn't want her to be. Not for him… and not (despite not knowing her or her life) at all.
He exhaled gratefully, and shifted himself to be a little more, again, on his own side. But stayed facing her… and, though he uncurled his fingers, giving her an easy exit if she wanted it, not withdrawing his hand; not breaking the gentle contact against hers.
It wasn't meant to be placating at all. If that's what he thought he needed in order to find some rest, then she would assist.
...
Maybe it was a little selfish on her part, as well, since it felt like it had been a lifetime ago that she had shared any sort of genuine contact with anybody, and she was accustomed to being on her own, but that didn't mean that she didn't ...
Want.
Jyn waited until it seemed like he was comfortably lying down again, and carefully did much the same, conscious of not jostling him too much as she slowly inched closer.
And she didn't remove her hand from his the entire way through, even if it made some of her movements a bit awkward. But the last thing she wanted was a self-examination as to why.
She brought their bodies closer than they'd been before. He found himself suddenly wishing he could close the gap entirely, put his arms around her, rest his head against her, let their breathing and heartbeats unify through contact, and find sleep pressed together.
Wishing, because it didn't occur to him for an instant to actually try.
But she was still holding his hand, letting him hold hers. That was momentous as an end in itself.
He wasn't entirely aware of his thumb moving gently on her skin.
He just sank himself deeper into the pillows and the bed, matching his awareness of her body, the impression she made in the mattress and in space itself; and, true to his word, began to modulate his breathing, synchronizing with hers.
Jyn didn't think to move in any closer, didn't want to cross some unspoken boundary by doing so - with what Rilio had just been through, it made perfect sense to give him the agency to determine what was acceptable and what was not.
But -
If he initiated the act of getting even closer ... she wouldn't have denied the request, whether he voiced it out loud, or actively sought out more physical contact. If Jyn were more honest with herself, if she allowed herself to ask for the things she wanted, she might have initiated first.
But this was comfortable enough, sharing space, sharing the simple pleasure of holding hands, keeping them both anchored in the moment and the knowledge that whatever he had been dreaming about before was not real and this was.
Jyn was silent as she relaxed as much as her body would allow, breathing in and out, watching Rilio to make sure he did the same.
What he'd 'just been through', and years of less overt dismissals of his own consent, made him only more wary [say it: afraid] of himself ever inflicting the like on someone else. Even asking made him worried that saying such words aloud was imposing pressure, and he wouldn't act without asking.
With Liana… who he didn't know… all he really knew was that she could kick his ass if she needed to (even were he stone cold sober) but he would never want her to need to… and, even if her motive ultimately proved different than advertised, right now she was choosing to be kind…
He found himself… wanting… needing?…
If he weren't drugged, would he have been able to refrain?
Would that be better?
But after a while, just lying and breathing together—and finding that in of itself more restful than he'd felt for a long, long while—he risked wrecking it by murmuring aloud, "When I fall asleep again…" (and amazing enough to be able to say 'when') "…if I try anything—putting an arm around you—anything you don't want… my stomach's really ticklish. Will wake me right up. Or make me back off even if not."
Jyn didn't feel threatened. And if she did, she certainly wouldn't have put herself into this position, lying prone and vulnerable, her weapons only just out of reach. How did the saying go? No good deed went unpunished?
Maybe she saw something similar in Rilio, the same inherent loneliness, and felt the need to ... take care of him in the same ways that she herself needed to be taken care of.
Maybe - selfishly - she was taking some comfort in the being close and maintaining contact and ... not feeling quite so alone in the universe. Guiltily, her thoughts shifted to her unknown pen pal, and she tried to swallow down the feeling that she was doing something wrong.
It was quiet for a time, and while Jyn hadn't yet fallen back asleep, her eyes were closed. But when he spoke again, so softly, she cracked one and then the other, nodding her understanding, her lips pulling up into the tiniest hint of a smile. "I'll remember that."
It seemed easier than admitting that she might actually welcome curling up all the closer still. It was just for one night, they would never see each other again. Maybe she could let her walls down enough to admit that she needed the comfort, too.
But instead of saying that, what she offered instead was -
"I'm a very light sleeper, so if I ... get too close or do anything that you're uncomfortable with, just push my shoulder, or something, that will wake me up."
But though his speech remained sluggish, his mind was starting to pick up speed again. And right now it was frantically turning over and over the apparent fact that both of them were worried about imposing on the other one—maybe not minding the prospect for themselves? maybe even… wanting to…?
Cassian habitually couldn't let himself want. Want was the death of objectivity. He couldn't trust his interpretations not to fulfill or confirm what he wanted rather than reading them on their own.
Right now, with her… his analytic abilities doubly, maybe triply, compromised… but it seemed so very… compelling…
He didn't do what he really wanted—which was put an arm around her after all. But he dared to say softly, "I can't imagine minding. I mean, I wouldn't mind. …I mean… no need to worry if just for my sake." Oh, pfassk.
Jyn no longer gave in to these sorts of wants - not often, anyway. But it was proving so difficult to ignore the innate desire to get a little closer, to share contact and comfort before the morning arrived and they would have to part.
But ...
Would that be taking advantage of an already bad situation? Even if she didn't do what the men she'd rescued him from had been planning to do, wouldn't that still make her guilty of something similar?
She was surprised into silence as he admitted, however softly, that he actually wouldn't mind if they ended up - inadvertently or not - being a little closer, and she wondered if maybe he needed safe contact for once, and if it was okay for her to want it in return.
Finally, after another soft squeeze to his fingers, she replied, just as quietly - "I don't think I'd mind, either."
His turn to be silent; watching her with slightly feverish but more concerned, searching eyes. A soft return of her grip. He was still lucid; not so compromised that he couldn't make any calls. And he knew…
Slowly, he moved their joined hands, to guide and rest hers on his ribs. His mattress-side hand came up near her face, poised to slide his arm under the arch of her neck. His body language said Come here… but what he said aloud, very softly, was, "May I?"
He didn't seem completely out of it anymore, despite his rest and recovery being derailed by whatever night terrors he'd been having. Jyn was hopeful that by morning, the fever, and whatever was left of the drugs in his system will have dissipated fully.
She allowed Rilio to guide her hand, and although she was a bit tentative at first, once she knew that she wasn't causing him any discomfort, she rested her palm against his ribs a little more easily, still gentle, though, not rough or demanding in any way.
For as much as she wanted to shift herself as close as she dared, she left it up to him to decide how close was close enough. Jyn tensed as his hand neared her face, but after a calming breath, she settled again. She hoped he didn't notice the barest tremble in her voice when she replied - "You may."
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no subject
Date: 2019-09-10 10:35 pm (UTC)(Whether he left his smaller, ankle holstered secondary blaster where it was because he was too tired to remember, too queasy to lean over, or because he really couldn't trust that much just yet…
Sort it out when he could think.)
He winced, in perhaps sympathetic pain. Simultaneous with the (pride? don't be ridiculous—) admiration in his eyes and voice when he agreed, "Yeah. You did at that. —But thinking you definitely should rest, too." He set the flask down at last, among the weapons, and swung his legs up onto the mattress—but paused and gestured down at it, to her. "Which side is yours?"
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 02:14 am (UTC)Still, Jyn wasn't a stupid woman, and Rilio was a stranger, and it would be remiss of her to let her guard down. So, she was as open as possible while keeping her walls up high.
She watched as the blaster was set near hers, and a vibroblade, which if she had studied it carefully, would notice that it bore a striking resemblance to the one that she had secreted securely in her boot.
Jyn breathed out a noise that might've been amused, shrugging slightly. "That's what they get for underestimating me", she replied, glancing over toward the bed with a quizzical expression lifting an eyebrow just so. Which side? It was a bed, so the positioning didn't much matter to her. "Ah - whichever one you don't take."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 03:55 am (UTC)"Thanks again," he mumbled as his consciousness started to shut down. "Liana. For saving me."
And he was out.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 04:19 am (UTC)She wasn't quite ready to lay down, not with her earlier adrenaline still waning, so once she was certain that he was resting, once she had spent a few minutes watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, hearing his rhythmic breathing, she headed into the 'fresher for a quick shower.
And to take stock of her injuries, the bruising hidden beneath her shirt. But once she had stepped out of the shower, dried off and re-dressed, and finally - gingerly - got into bed, too, careful to hug the edge so as not to get too close.
Morning would come soon enough, and when it did, they would part.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 04:47 am (UTC)He was fighting so hard
Whirling and spinning and kicking and punching
Adrenaline pumping hard too
Everything around him not slowed a beat
But every moment sharp and clear
Going so fast he didn't feel in charge of his body at all
Rather trapped inside it watching everything unfold
They fell before and around him and were replaced by others
A blaster was in his hand then a knife then nothing
He shot and stabbed and hit over and over and over again
And then he was looking down at the bodies
And the stormtrooper helmets were all split in two
Behind them:
The dead faces of anyone he'd loved
He'd just killed them
Cassian's limbs jerked and twitched; his breath came hard, punctuated with occasional staccato vocalizations; mostly motionless, still very clear he was caught in and fighting hard against something
until he suddenly screamed aloud, his whole body jerking, and his hand flung out and slammed into the side table.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 05:13 am (UTC)Even though her head was spinning and her side was hurting all the worse from the sudden movement, she realized that it was a night terror that had Rilio in its grasp. She didn't want to poke or prod at him, cause him to react violently, running the risk of hurting the both of them.
Her voice firm, but not angry, she reminded him of who she was, where they were, whatever he was seeing wasn't real, and that he was, for the moment, safe with her.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 05:28 am (UTC)The voice in the riot: "He's gone. Come on. Leave it. Leave it. That's it. This way." Her hand taking his, pulling him to his feet from where he'd lain across Jerón's body, and they ran—
He turned over—shivering, eyes tightly closed—to face her, his hand blindly (unconsciously?) reaching for her.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 05:48 am (UTC)"That's it. I'm here, and you are safe. What you're seeing isn't real, Rilio. You just need to wake up to see. Come on, follow the sound of my voice."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 06:19 am (UTC)…but it was what wasn't that reached him at last.
The fake name.
Not Cassian.
Not the little boy with the dead father, not the soldier-assassin destroying everyone around him, not the man with the bad dreams.
This name meant nothing except this moment, this situation… and in it, with him, was…
The tension in his face drained until his eyes finally opened.
"…Liana." —Great. His voice sounded like shit.
His eyes sank down to their joined hands. His mouth opened to say something, but he had no idea what. He closed it again. Maybe he should let her go, pull his own hand back in embarrassment, turn over and pretend…
He did duck his head, close his eyes again… but though his grip on her hand gentled, it didn't let go.
"I'm sorry."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 06:35 am (UTC)But as she gingerly sat down at the edge of the bed, her breath catching at the stitch in her side, she too did not release the hand still holding onto hers. She would be gone in the morning, she could afford to share whatever comfort and strength he needed now.
"You've nothing to apologize for. No harm done."
Her grip tightened, but only momentarily before she relaxed it once more.
"Are you alright?"
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 06:40 am (UTC)His voice might be overemotional, but he found neutrality in content, at least. "Not detoxed enough, obviously."
What he should do was get up, go to the 'fresher, and make himself throw up, or at least drink some water. But he was too dizzy… and too… … …
You don't know her
… …unwilling to let her go.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 06:50 am (UTC)"No", she replied, her voice as calm and comforting as possible, although still tinged with worry. "Maybe by morning."
A pause. A breath.
"How can I help?"
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 07:04 am (UTC)…and he wanted…)
"You already have. So much."
Voice sounding better, there. Still overquiet but that was appropriate.
"I don't think I'll be that bad again. If you want to get more sleep.
"I might… if you don't mind…"
Stay facing you? Keep holding your hand? Move a little closer? There must be a middle ground between cowardly understatement and appalling presumption…
He gave up and went for honesty. However creepy. "I might try to match your breathing. Calm mine down."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 07:40 am (UTC)She watched as he drank, nodding her satisfaction once he finished and set the canteen at his bedside. Hopefully, the water would help cool him down and hasten the purge.
Maybe she shouldn't have been so trusting of this stranger, but for whatever reason ... she felt that she knew that she was safe with him, even in such close quarters, even with weapons nearby, but not on her person anymore. For all intents and purposes, she was very vulnerable, but she trusted that he wouldn't try to take advantage.
"You need the rest more than I do", she answered, and that was a lie, she was perpetually sleep-deprived, waiting to hear what it was that he was going to ask of her.
All things considered, it wasn't the worst suggestion he could have made, however ... familiar it was. She could give him that much, at least. "Okay. We can do that."
Strange, how the prospect didn't make her nervous or wary in the slightest.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 07:50 am (UTC)He exhaled gratefully, and shifted himself to be a little more, again, on his own side. But stayed facing her… and, though he uncurled his fingers, giving her an easy exit if she wanted it, not withdrawing his hand; not breaking the gentle contact against hers.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 08:04 am (UTC)...
Maybe it was a little selfish on her part, as well, since it felt like it had been a lifetime ago that she had shared any sort of genuine contact with anybody, and she was accustomed to being on her own, but that didn't mean that she didn't ...
Want.
Jyn waited until it seemed like he was comfortably lying down again, and carefully did much the same, conscious of not jostling him too much as she slowly inched closer.
And she didn't remove her hand from his the entire way through, even if it made some of her movements a bit awkward. But the last thing she wanted was a self-examination as to why.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-11 08:11 am (UTC)Wishing, because it didn't occur to him for an instant to actually try.
But she was still holding his hand, letting him hold hers. That was momentous as an end in itself.
He wasn't entirely aware of his thumb moving gently on her skin.
He just sank himself deeper into the pillows and the bed, matching his awareness of her body, the impression she made in the mattress and in space itself; and, true to his word, began to modulate his breathing, synchronizing with hers.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-12 04:06 am (UTC)But -
If he initiated the act of getting even closer ... she wouldn't have denied the request, whether he voiced it out loud, or actively sought out more physical contact. If Jyn were more honest with herself, if she allowed herself to ask for the things she wanted, she might have initiated first.
But this was comfortable enough, sharing space, sharing the simple pleasure of holding hands, keeping them both anchored in the moment and the knowledge that whatever he had been dreaming about before was not real and this was.
Jyn was silent as she relaxed as much as her body would allow, breathing in and out, watching Rilio to make sure he did the same.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-12 12:57 pm (UTC)With Liana… who he didn't know… all he really knew was that she could kick his ass if she needed to (even were he stone cold sober) but he would never want her to need to… and, even if her motive ultimately proved different than advertised, right now she was choosing to be kind…
He found himself… wanting… needing?…
If he weren't drugged, would he have been able to refrain?
Would that be better?
But after a while, just lying and breathing together—and finding that in of itself more restful than he'd felt for a long, long while—he risked wrecking it by murmuring aloud, "When I fall asleep again…" (and amazing enough to be able to say 'when') "…if I try anything—putting an arm around you—anything you don't want… my stomach's really ticklish. Will wake me right up. Or make me back off even if not."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-12 04:38 pm (UTC)Maybe she saw something similar in Rilio, the same inherent loneliness, and felt the need to ... take care of him in the same ways that she herself needed to be taken care of.
Maybe - selfishly - she was taking some comfort in the being close and maintaining contact and ... not feeling quite so alone in the universe. Guiltily, her thoughts shifted to her unknown pen pal, and she tried to swallow down the feeling that she was doing something wrong.
It was quiet for a time, and while Jyn hadn't yet fallen back asleep, her eyes were closed. But when he spoke again, so softly, she cracked one and then the other, nodding her understanding, her lips pulling up into the tiniest hint of a smile. "I'll remember that."
It seemed easier than admitting that she might actually welcome curling up all the closer still. It was just for one night, they would never see each other again. Maybe she could let her walls down enough to admit that she needed the comfort, too.
But instead of saying that, what she offered instead was -
"I'm a very light sleeper, so if I ... get too close or do anything that you're uncomfortable with, just push my shoulder, or something, that will wake me up."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-14 04:46 am (UTC)But though his speech remained sluggish, his mind was starting to pick up speed again. And right now it was frantically turning over and over the apparent fact that both of them were worried about imposing on the other one—maybe not minding the prospect for themselves? maybe even… wanting to…?
Cassian habitually couldn't let himself want. Want was the death of objectivity. He couldn't trust his interpretations not to fulfill or confirm what he wanted rather than reading them on their own.
Right now, with her… his analytic abilities doubly, maybe triply, compromised… but it seemed so very… compelling…
He didn't do what he really wanted—which was put an arm around her after all. But he dared to say softly, "I can't imagine minding. I mean, I wouldn't mind. …I mean… no need to worry if just for my sake." Oh, pfassk.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-14 06:04 am (UTC)But ...
Would that be taking advantage of an already bad situation? Even if she didn't do what the men she'd rescued him from had been planning to do, wouldn't that still make her guilty of something similar?
She was surprised into silence as he admitted, however softly, that he actually wouldn't mind if they ended up - inadvertently or not - being a little closer, and she wondered if maybe he needed safe contact for once, and if it was okay for her to want it in return.
Finally, after another soft squeeze to his fingers, she replied, just as quietly - "I don't think I'd mind, either."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-14 11:55 pm (UTC)Slowly, he moved their joined hands, to guide and rest hers on his ribs. His mattress-side hand came up near her face, poised to slide his arm under the arch of her neck. His body language said Come here… but what he said aloud, very softly, was, "May I?"
no subject
Date: 2019-09-15 12:23 am (UTC)She allowed Rilio to guide her hand, and although she was a bit tentative at first, once she knew that she wasn't causing him any discomfort, she rested her palm against his ribs a little more easily, still gentle, though, not rough or demanding in any way.
For as much as she wanted to shift herself as close as she dared, she left it up to him to decide how close was close enough. Jyn tensed as his hand neared her face, but after a calming breath, she settled again. She hoped he didn't notice the barest tremble in her voice when she replied - "You may."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-15 03:26 am (UTC)"Nothing you don't want," he said softly. "You've already done more than enough for my sake. Okay?"
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From:oh nooooo my icons
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From:A ZILLION YEARS LATER…
From:right here waiting.mp3
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From:How did I lose this?? Ack! Sorry!! But I did just massively enjoy rereading all of it ^_^ ^_^ <3
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