wherehopegoes

wherehopegoes

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

candor1

Cassian was simultaneously parched and afraid that if he tried to ingest anything else, even water, he'd vomit. …But that would be aiding detoxification, wouldn't it…

Gingerly, giving her what he hoped was a grateful look, he took the canteen and drank—just a little, at first, easing into it.

"Are you okay?" he belatedly asked. "I won't be keeping you from your own bed?"

From:

wherehopegoes

It wouldn't be the worst thing Jyn ever would have bore witness to. Besides, even if the room was small and the 'fresher was, again, only just a few steps away, he might need assistance in getting there.

She sat back on her heels, confident (for the moment) that he was going to be okay, given a little time.

"I can pull the chair over and put my feet up. Won't have been the worst place I've ever slept", she replied, shrugging nonchalantly. "Or we could just share. I'm small, don't take up much space. Whatever makes you most comfortable."

From:

candor1

"I don't mind sharing," said Cassian—suspecting he was going to be too out of it shortly to notice either way. "Just don't know how restful a bedfellow I'm going to be… I thrash around sometimes." Not usually while on duty, especially undercover, but he couldn't vouch for how this state was going to affect him.

He covered his mouth, working on keeping the water down, and succeeded. …Again, probably should let himself purge… he just hated it. For future reference: "Which way to the 'fresher?"

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn probably wouldn't find much rest, anyway, not when the most important thing was making sure that Rilio didn't die on her in the middle of the night. She nodded her understanding, but didn't mention again that she had had worse, spent long nights sharing sleeping spaces with others who suffered from night terrors, faced her own, as well. "I'll take that into consideration."

Luckily, this room came with a tiny 'fresher all it's own. Jyn was grateful that if need be, they wouldn't have to struggle down the hall into the communal one. "Three steps behind you."

It took her a moment to stand - the only sign she gave that something was hurting - and peeled her jacket off, dropping it unceremoniously onto the little table in the corner. "You think you might know what they dosed you with?"

From:

candor1

"Probably myocaine." An odorless, colorless, and tasteless muscle relaxant^[1], favored by barside predators. "Could've been myoplexaril. A downer, whatever it was. Not a soporific." Though he was tired. But probably more from subsequent exertion than from the drug. He hadn't been sleepy when… and they would have wanted him conscious…

"'ve been dosed with it before. Probably just need to sleep it off." And look forward to a hangover and some withdrawal. Still, far from the worst possibility. (He'd take it, situationally at least, over skirtopanol.^[2] Plus significantly better now that he was in a less vulnerable situation. Here was better than that bar even if Liana proved not to be what she said.

As for Liana… He wasn't so far gone as not to notice the way she stood and removed her jacket. "You're hurt…"

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn's eyes narrowed and her lips pulled into a grim line. 'I've been dosed with it before' left a sour taste in her mouth and a heavy weight in her stomach. She knew that she couldn't save everybody, but she didn't know if she could just leave when the morning came fearing that he'd just find himself in the same situation all over again ... or worse.

"Well, you can do that here", she finally answered, next making an effort to set her visible weapons on the table with her jacket, slowly, as if to show that she wasn't going to be a threat. Truncheons first, and then the stun baton she had lifted from the man that had tried to use it on her.

She set a hand at her side, frowning slightly. "A little. Hurt 'em worse."

From:

candor1

Some well-integrated part of his training allowed him, through his haze, to note her action with the weapons. And mirror her: shrugging out of his jacket and setting the blaster (not his, damn them, the one he'd requisitioned off them) he'd stuck into his belt on the table beside hers. Ah, they'd left him his vibroblade, which he also deposited there.

(Whether he left his smaller, ankle holstered secondary blaster where it was because he was too tired to remember, too queasy to lean over, or because he really couldn't trust that much just yet…

Sort it out when he could think.)

He winced, in perhaps sympathetic pain. Simultaneous with the (pride? don't be ridiculous—) admiration in his eyes and voice when he agreed, "Yeah. You did at that. —But thinking you definitely should rest, too." He set the flask down at last, among the weapons, and swung his legs up onto the mattress—but paused and gestured down at it, to her. "Which side is yours?"

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn observed the disarming with a practiced air of nonchalance, but she was glad to note the reciprocation, the acceptance of her assertion that she was not a threat, the mirroring of her action as if to say that neither was he.

Still, Jyn wasn't a stupid woman, and Rilio was a stranger, and it would be remiss of her to let her guard down. So, she was as open as possible while keeping her walls up high.

She watched as the blaster was set near hers, and a vibroblade, which if she had studied it carefully, would notice that it bore a striking resemblance to the one that she had secreted securely in her boot.

Jyn breathed out a noise that might've been amused, shrugging slightly. "That's what they get for underestimating me", she replied, glancing over toward the bed with a quizzical expression lifting an eyebrow just so. Which side? It was a bed, so the positioning didn't much matter to her. "Ah - whichever one you don't take."

From:

candor1

He managed to nod before sinking backwards onto the pillows. He rolled over to the far side of the bed, so she wouldn't have to walk around before lying down herself. And he kept his back to her—to give her the relative privacy when she did lie down, but also… hard, among people like them, to make a clearer offer of trust.

"Thanks again," he mumbled as his consciousness started to shut down. "Liana. For saving me."

And he was out.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn wouldn't sleep easily nor heavily - but then, that wasn't anything new for her. She watched as he seemingly got as comfortable as possible, given the situation, and murmured a quick 'you're welcome'.

She wasn't quite ready to lay down, not with her earlier adrenaline still waning, so once she was certain that he was resting, once she had spent a few minutes watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, hearing his rhythmic breathing, she headed into the 'fresher for a quick shower.

And to take stock of her injuries, the bruising hidden beneath her shirt. But once she had stepped out of the shower, dried off and re-dressed, and finally - gingerly - got into bed, too, careful to hug the edge so as not to get too close.

Morning would come soon enough, and when it did, they would part.

From:

candor1

* * *
He was fighting so hard
Whirling and spinning and kicking and punching
Adrenaline pumping hard too
Everything around him not slowed a beat
But every moment sharp and clear
Going so fast he didn't feel in charge of his body at all
Rather trapped inside it watching everything unfold
They fell before and around him and were replaced by others
A blaster was in his hand then a knife then nothing
He shot and stabbed and hit over and over and over again
And then he was looking down at the bodies
And the stormtrooper helmets were all split in two
Behind them:
The dead faces of anyone he'd loved

He'd just killed them

Cassian's limbs jerked and twitched; his breath came hard, punctuated with occasional staccato vocalizations; mostly motionless, still very clear he was caught in and fighting hard against something

until he suddenly screamed aloud, his whole body jerking, and his hand flung out and slammed into the side table.

Edited Date: 2019-09-11 04:51 am (UTC)

From:

wherehopegoes

He had warned her that he might thrash around a little, but Jyn was jerked awake by something that was far more than just a little, the scream that ripped from his throat more than enough to set her nerves on edge, the slamming of his hand against the side table what sent her out of bed entirely, her hand searching the nearby table for a weapon - any weapon - just in case she might need to defend herself.

Even though her head was spinning and her side was hurting all the worse from the sudden movement, she realized that it was a night terror that had Rilio in its grasp. She didn't want to poke or prod at him, cause him to react violently, running the risk of hurting the both of them.

Her voice firm, but not angry, she reminded him of who she was, where they were, whatever he was seeing wasn't real, and that he was, for the moment, safe with her.

From:

candor1

Her voice…

The voice in the riot: "He's gone. Come on. Leave it. Leave it. That's it. This way." Her hand taking his, pulling him to his feet from where he'd lain across Jerón's body, and they ran—

He turned over—shivering, eyes tightly closed—to face her, his hand blindly (unconsciously?) reaching for her.

From:

wherehopegoes

Tentatively, Jyn reached back to set whatever she had grabbed - she still didn't even know, so concentrated on Rilio and trying to bring him out of whatever he was seeing, only not hesitating when it came to offering the hand, the anchor, that he was looking for.

"That's it. I'm here, and you are safe. What you're seeing isn't real, Rilio. You just need to wake up to see. Come on, follow the sound of my voice."

From:

candor1

What's real…?

…but it was what wasn't that reached him at last.

The fake name.

Not Cassian.

Not the little boy with the dead father, not the soldier-assassin destroying everyone around him, not the man with the bad dreams.

This name meant nothing except this moment, this situation… and in it, with him, was…

The tension in his face drained until his eyes finally opened.

"…Liana." —Great. His voice sounded like shit.

His eyes sank down to their joined hands. His mouth opened to say something, but he had no idea what. He closed it again. Maybe he should let her go, pull his own hand back in embarrassment, turn over and pretend…

He did duck his head, close his eyes again… but though his grip on her hand gentled, it didn't let go.

"I'm sorry."

From:

wherehopegoes

It was to be expected, she thought, sounding so confused and wrecked. Given what he'd been through earlier, and whatever visions had been terrorizing him just now, Jyn was surprised that he even remembered who she was and where they were.

But as she gingerly sat down at the edge of the bed, her breath catching at the stitch in her side, she too did not release the hand still holding onto hers. She would be gone in the morning, she could afford to share whatever comfort and strength he needed now.

"You've nothing to apologize for. No harm done."

Her grip tightened, but only momentarily before she relaxed it once more.

"Are you alright?"

From:

candor1

The bed had started spinning, gently, out from under him. He bent his face to their joint hands, pressing his forehead to the back of hers, trying to anchor himself.

His voice might be overemotional, but he found neutrality in content, at least. "Not detoxed enough, obviously."

What he should do was get up, go to the 'fresher, and make himself throw up, or at least drink some water. But he was too dizzy… and too… … …

You don't know her

… …unwilling to let her go.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn exhaled sharply at the touch of forehead to the back of her hand. He was burning up. Luckily, the still half-full canteen was sitting at the floor near her feet, and it didn't take much effort on her part to bend just enough to be able to snatch it and sit back up, offering it for a drink, something to soothe whatever was still wreaking havoc in his system.

"No", she replied, her voice as calm and comforting as possible, although still tinged with worry. "Maybe by morning."

A pause. A breath.

"How can I help?"

From:

candor1

He pulled back his face from their hands, put his head back on the pillow, and propped himself up enough to accept the canteen (with his free hand) and drink without all the water winding up on the bed. He set the canteen softly down on the table on his side. (Thinking how foolish, how amateur, he'd left all the weapons on her side… but dispassionate; detached. He didn't actually want anything to do with weapons right not. He wasn't fit to wield one at the moment—however many times in the past he'd had to. But even if he were… she'd done nothing but reinforce the sense of haven… of trust…

…and he wanted…)

"You already have. So much."

Voice sounding better, there. Still overquiet but that was appropriate.

"I don't think I'll be that bad again. If you want to get more sleep.

"I might… if you don't mind…"

Stay facing you? Keep holding your hand? Move a little closer? There must be a middle ground between cowardly understatement and appalling presumption…

He gave up and went for honesty. However creepy. "I might try to match your breathing. Calm mine down."

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn wasn't currently focusing on the weapons - and there was no real reason to. She didn't feel threatened, only worried. But despite the fever, Rilio was alert enough, coherent enough, and maybe the drugs would work their way through his system within the next handful of hours.

She watched as he drank, nodding her satisfaction once he finished and set the canteen at his bedside. Hopefully, the water would help cool him down and hasten the purge.

Maybe she shouldn't have been so trusting of this stranger, but for whatever reason ... she felt that she knew that she was safe with him, even in such close quarters, even with weapons nearby, but not on her person anymore. For all intents and purposes, she was very vulnerable, but she trusted that he wouldn't try to take advantage.

"You need the rest more than I do", she answered, and that was a lie, she was perpetually sleep-deprived, waiting to hear what it was that he was going to ask of her.

All things considered, it wasn't the worst suggestion he could have made, however ... familiar it was. She could give him that much, at least. "Okay. We can do that."

Strange, how the prospect didn't make her nervous or wary in the slightest.

From:

candor1

Her words were agreeable, but it meant more to him that the way she said it sounded… comfortable. Not self-sacrificing. He wouldn't want her to be. Not for him… and not (despite not knowing her or her life) at all.

He exhaled gratefully, and shifted himself to be a little more, again, on his own side. But stayed facing her… and, though he uncurled his fingers, giving her an easy exit if she wanted it, not withdrawing his hand; not breaking the gentle contact against hers.

From:

wherehopegoes

It wasn't meant to be placating at all. If that's what he thought he needed in order to find some rest, then she would assist.

...

Maybe it was a little selfish on her part, as well, since it felt like it had been a lifetime ago that she had shared any sort of genuine contact with anybody, and she was accustomed to being on her own, but that didn't mean that she didn't ...

Want.

Jyn waited until it seemed like he was comfortably lying down again, and carefully did much the same, conscious of not jostling him too much as she slowly inched closer.

And she didn't remove her hand from his the entire way through, even if it made some of her movements a bit awkward. But the last thing she wanted was a self-examination as to why.

From:

candor1

She brought their bodies closer than they'd been before. He found himself suddenly wishing he could close the gap entirely, put his arms around her, rest his head against her, let their breathing and heartbeats unify through contact, and find sleep pressed together.

Wishing, because it didn't occur to him for an instant to actually try.

But she was still holding his hand, letting him hold hers. That was momentous as an end in itself.

He wasn't entirely aware of his thumb moving gently on her skin.

He just sank himself deeper into the pillows and the bed, matching his awareness of her body, the impression she made in the mattress and in space itself; and, true to his word, began to modulate his breathing, synchronizing with hers.

From:

wherehopegoes

Jyn didn't think to move in any closer, didn't want to cross some unspoken boundary by doing so - with what Rilio had just been through, it made perfect sense to give him the agency to determine what was acceptable and what was not.

But -

If he initiated the act of getting even closer ... she wouldn't have denied the request, whether he voiced it out loud, or actively sought out more physical contact. If Jyn were more honest with herself, if she allowed herself to ask for the things she wanted, she might have initiated first.

But this was comfortable enough, sharing space, sharing the simple pleasure of holding hands, keeping them both anchored in the moment and the knowledge that whatever he had been dreaming about before was not real and this was.

Jyn was silent as she relaxed as much as her body would allow, breathing in and out, watching Rilio to make sure he did the same.

From:

candor1

What he'd 'just been through', and years of less overt dismissals of his own consent, made him only more wary [say it: afraid] of himself ever inflicting the like on someone else. Even asking made him worried that saying such words aloud was imposing pressure, and he wouldn't act without asking.

With Liana… who he didn't know… all he really knew was that she could kick his ass if she needed to (even were he stone cold sober) but he would never want her to need to… and, even if her motive ultimately proved different than advertised, right now she was choosing to be kind…

He found himself… wanting… needing?…

If he weren't drugged, would he have been able to refrain?

Would that be better?

But after a while, just lying and breathing together—and finding that in of itself more restful than he'd felt for a long, long while—he risked wrecking it by murmuring aloud, "When I fall asleep again…" (and amazing enough to be able to say 'when') "…if I try anything—putting an arm around you—anything you don't want… my stomach's really ticklish. Will wake me right up. Or make me back off even if not."